Well, it had to happen eventually. Here's to my first night actually sleeping in my car. It's cold. And I hope I'm not cold. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to park, but I am going to find some residential place to sleep and pray the cops don't come knocking on my window or something worse.
In a way, it's a relief. I've been with people for so long and having to work around their schedules and lifestyles. But now I get to work on my own schedule and not worry about being rude or waking someone unintentionally or feeling weird about my own weird habits. So we'll see how this goes. I just worry about being cold.
At the same time, it makes me sad because I am pampered...and I wonder what I'll do if I wake up in the middle of the night having to pee. (This is likely to happen because I pee a lot! LOL)
At the very least, living out of my car teaches me there is no moment but now, and I am "here". Where ever "here" is.
If I worry about things like having to pee in the middle of the night or where to park, etc., I just get stressed. And it doesn't seem productive to be that way until I need to.
Let it flow and let it go.
I think I'm going to have to bring back, "Patience and grace" and this time add humour.
I can do this. It is worth it.
Please don't feel sorry for me. It's my choice. If I was anyone else, I'd just get a full time job and ignore my dreams and be miserable. But I'm not everyone else. So I ask my friends to just help me along the way when they can and support me in following my dreams. :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Huh...
So, I had the recent revelation that I will be turning 29 at the end of this month. It’s slightly amazing to me what twists and turns and journeys this life has brought me. Ever seeking contentment, I find it fascinating that, when I was in my teens, I couldn’t wait to turn 30 because it seemed like that would be the age where I was settled and content and life would be “perfect”. (Not perfect, but less crazy or something. Do you know what I mean?)
Instead, I’m a year and a bit away from 30, and I’m living out of my car to pursue my passion. I’m single, for all intents and purposes, and I feel like I was more settled when I was a teenager. At the very least, I feel like I had a better grasp on life than I do now. It’s like all the maturity and wisdom I had when I was a teen decided to take a vacation. LOL
I’m not complaining at all because the journey has been wonderous and interesting and I’ve learned a lot. But it’s so weird that what I thought was a magical age is almost upon me, and it doesn’t seem like I’m near settled at all.
Do any of you feel that way? Or have you felt that way about your age or anything in general?
Instead, I’m a year and a bit away from 30, and I’m living out of my car to pursue my passion. I’m single, for all intents and purposes, and I feel like I was more settled when I was a teenager. At the very least, I feel like I had a better grasp on life than I do now. It’s like all the maturity and wisdom I had when I was a teen decided to take a vacation. LOL
I’m not complaining at all because the journey has been wonderous and interesting and I’ve learned a lot. But it’s so weird that what I thought was a magical age is almost upon me, and it doesn’t seem like I’m near settled at all.
Do any of you feel that way? Or have you felt that way about your age or anything in general?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
My Story
Since some of you don't know it...
I've been performing since I was a little girl. It all started with performing Disney movies in the pool with my mother and older brother. The first play I was in was an elementary school version of Cinderella. I played a bird. lol
I continued performing throughout middle school and high school, with school and community productions. In fact, my first community theatre performance was The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe in which I played The Eagle. (Are you sensing a pattern here? lol) My love of theatre continued to the point where I decided I wanted to do it as a career and decided I would major in Acting in college.
I was accepted to the Theatre program at University of Southern California, however, moving from a small rural town in the Midwest to a humungo city on the West coast, I freaked out. I was used to being a fairly well sized fish in a small pond, and I was also lacking the emotional support and self confidence needed to make it in this industry. And I had tons of excuses about why I shouldn't do it. Everything from what my parents were telling me ("This isn't a real career. You need luck and connections to make it.") to the fact I wanted to help people and felt I wasn't doing enough for society by becoming "just an actress". So I changed my major and went on the fabulous journey of "finding myself."
That journey was amazing. I traveled a few places, earned a couple degrees, held a couple of leadership positions, and learned a lot about life and about myself. But like most journeys centered around finding yourself, I ended up right back where I began. My passion for acting could not be squelched any longer. No matter what sorts of excuses I came up with. I was on my way to getting a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology, and I was miserable. To the point where my fellow classmates kept asking why I was still there. So I quit. And I spent a good 6 months sitting on my butt and knitting. Until one of my ex-colleagues asked me if I knew about the local community theatre. She was planning on auditioning.
At the time of her audition, I didn't feel ready, but I looked into it and started preparing for their next round of auditions. Lo and behold, I was cast! I also enrolled in some acting classes at the local community college. These two things were probably the best decisions of my life to date. I learned so much at the college and through the local theatre. I learned how hard I had to work at my craft if I wanted to make it, and I learned how rewarding all this hard work could be, not just for myself, but also for the audience. My perspective changed on all of those negative messages I received and fabricated about acting in my younger years, and I found immense joy in the art. More joy, in fact, than I had ever experienced, even when I was acting on a regular basis while in high school.
Fast forward to the last year or so. After 1.5 years at the community college, I lost my funding, and had to decide between a full time job and giving up what I loved, or figuring something else out. I had already given up what I loved once, and I was not about to do it again. I felt so damned close to realizing my dreams, that I couldn't let it go. I had enough saved up to pay my bills or pay the rent, but not both. So I decided to live out of my car and pay my bills, and continue to go to school. And I'm glad I did. I learned...well, I learned how frustrating being homeless can be and how frustrating it can be when people don't understand passion and why you made certain choices. LOL But most of all, I learned how strong I can be (despite being frustrated a lot) and how lucky I am to have the friends and support that I do. I never once had to sleep in my car through the grace of God and of my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. But the most important thing I think I learned is that I can make anything happen if I put enough effort and energy into it.
During this time of living in my car, I was nominated for an Irene Ryan Scholarship (a big deal in the college acting world), I was accepted to the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts(PCPA), I continued acting with the local theatre, and I did things I never thought I could or would do. And I'm a much stronger person because of it.
Now, I'm on the cusp of leaving for PCPA, and some not so great things have happened. The lady I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son has lymphoma, and can no longer rent a room to me because her son is moving back in and she has to take care of him. This situation sucks for both of us, as I have no affordable place to live, and her son's life hangs in the balance. But I am not selfish enough to say that my situation is worse than hers because it's not. I wish the best for her and her son and send my prayers her way for her son's speedy remission.
However, this also puts me into a bind because I don't know how I will be able to pay for housing anymore. All of the places sent to me are double what she was going to charge me. I have called around to see if anyone else is willing to lower their rent, but so far, the response has been negative. I'm still waiting to hear from a few people, and I am hopeful. :)
I am considering continuing to live out of my car if need be until some scholarship money comes in, or until I can find a place to live at a price where I would feel comfortable taking out a tiny loan. (I already have a ton of student loan debt from my previous education, so I am hesitant to take out more.) And it's not like I've just been sitting on my butt waiting for something good to come my way. I have been working two jobs all summer to earn as much as I can to help pay for PCPA. I have applied to over $30,000 worth of scholarships and continue to apply for more.
And now, I have created this website, in the hopes that people will understand what I'm going through and how hard I am working to make my dreams a realization. I'm not looking for handouts, but for hope and love for a girl who has gumption and guts and a never ending drive to make her dreams come true.
And $1 or $2 would be nice too. ;)
I've been performing since I was a little girl. It all started with performing Disney movies in the pool with my mother and older brother. The first play I was in was an elementary school version of Cinderella. I played a bird. lol
I continued performing throughout middle school and high school, with school and community productions. In fact, my first community theatre performance was The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe in which I played The Eagle. (Are you sensing a pattern here? lol) My love of theatre continued to the point where I decided I wanted to do it as a career and decided I would major in Acting in college.
I was accepted to the Theatre program at University of Southern California, however, moving from a small rural town in the Midwest to a humungo city on the West coast, I freaked out. I was used to being a fairly well sized fish in a small pond, and I was also lacking the emotional support and self confidence needed to make it in this industry. And I had tons of excuses about why I shouldn't do it. Everything from what my parents were telling me ("This isn't a real career. You need luck and connections to make it.") to the fact I wanted to help people and felt I wasn't doing enough for society by becoming "just an actress". So I changed my major and went on the fabulous journey of "finding myself."
That journey was amazing. I traveled a few places, earned a couple degrees, held a couple of leadership positions, and learned a lot about life and about myself. But like most journeys centered around finding yourself, I ended up right back where I began. My passion for acting could not be squelched any longer. No matter what sorts of excuses I came up with. I was on my way to getting a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology, and I was miserable. To the point where my fellow classmates kept asking why I was still there. So I quit. And I spent a good 6 months sitting on my butt and knitting. Until one of my ex-colleagues asked me if I knew about the local community theatre. She was planning on auditioning.
At the time of her audition, I didn't feel ready, but I looked into it and started preparing for their next round of auditions. Lo and behold, I was cast! I also enrolled in some acting classes at the local community college. These two things were probably the best decisions of my life to date. I learned so much at the college and through the local theatre. I learned how hard I had to work at my craft if I wanted to make it, and I learned how rewarding all this hard work could be, not just for myself, but also for the audience. My perspective changed on all of those negative messages I received and fabricated about acting in my younger years, and I found immense joy in the art. More joy, in fact, than I had ever experienced, even when I was acting on a regular basis while in high school.
Fast forward to the last year or so. After 1.5 years at the community college, I lost my funding, and had to decide between a full time job and giving up what I loved, or figuring something else out. I had already given up what I loved once, and I was not about to do it again. I felt so damned close to realizing my dreams, that I couldn't let it go. I had enough saved up to pay my bills or pay the rent, but not both. So I decided to live out of my car and pay my bills, and continue to go to school. And I'm glad I did. I learned...well, I learned how frustrating being homeless can be and how frustrating it can be when people don't understand passion and why you made certain choices. LOL But most of all, I learned how strong I can be (despite being frustrated a lot) and how lucky I am to have the friends and support that I do. I never once had to sleep in my car through the grace of God and of my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. But the most important thing I think I learned is that I can make anything happen if I put enough effort and energy into it.
During this time of living in my car, I was nominated for an Irene Ryan Scholarship (a big deal in the college acting world), I was accepted to the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts(PCPA), I continued acting with the local theatre, and I did things I never thought I could or would do. And I'm a much stronger person because of it.
Now, I'm on the cusp of leaving for PCPA, and some not so great things have happened. The lady I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son has lymphoma, and can no longer rent a room to me because her son is moving back in and she has to take care of him. This situation sucks for both of us, as I have no affordable place to live, and her son's life hangs in the balance. But I am not selfish enough to say that my situation is worse than hers because it's not. I wish the best for her and her son and send my prayers her way for her son's speedy remission.
However, this also puts me into a bind because I don't know how I will be able to pay for housing anymore. All of the places sent to me are double what she was going to charge me. I have called around to see if anyone else is willing to lower their rent, but so far, the response has been negative. I'm still waiting to hear from a few people, and I am hopeful. :)
I am considering continuing to live out of my car if need be until some scholarship money comes in, or until I can find a place to live at a price where I would feel comfortable taking out a tiny loan. (I already have a ton of student loan debt from my previous education, so I am hesitant to take out more.) And it's not like I've just been sitting on my butt waiting for something good to come my way. I have been working two jobs all summer to earn as much as I can to help pay for PCPA. I have applied to over $30,000 worth of scholarships and continue to apply for more.
And now, I have created this website, in the hopes that people will understand what I'm going through and how hard I am working to make my dreams a realization. I'm not looking for handouts, but for hope and love for a girl who has gumption and guts and a never ending drive to make her dreams come true.
And $1 or $2 would be nice too. ;)
PCPA
Oh goodness, it's been awhile.
Well, there's been some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I may have a job while I'm up there...maybe.
The bad news is I might not have a place to live.
The woman whom I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son was diagnosed with lymphoma, so he will now be living in the room since they will have to take care of him.
Bummer. I had a super reasonable price on rent too. Definitely affordable.
Anyway, that's besides the point. Any way you cut it, I have about 3 months worth of bills saved up. I've been working hard towards my goal and over the summer to save as much as I can.
I can only work a very limited amount while in school because of the intensity of the program, and therefore, I am asking all of you for help.
Even if you only contribute $1, it is $1 closer to my goal.
Please consider contributing to my PCPA fund via chipin.com
Thank you!! :)
Well, there's been some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I may have a job while I'm up there...maybe.
The bad news is I might not have a place to live.
The woman whom I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son was diagnosed with lymphoma, so he will now be living in the room since they will have to take care of him.
Bummer. I had a super reasonable price on rent too. Definitely affordable.
Anyway, that's besides the point. Any way you cut it, I have about 3 months worth of bills saved up. I've been working hard towards my goal and over the summer to save as much as I can.
I can only work a very limited amount while in school because of the intensity of the program, and therefore, I am asking all of you for help.
Even if you only contribute $1, it is $1 closer to my goal.
Please consider contributing to my PCPA fund via chipin.com
Thank you!! :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Determination and Discipline
Somehow I'll make it happen. I have to. This is my life blood and my passion. Of course, I am talking about acting.
I just received my informational welcome letter and the upcoming season from the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. I am stoked. The season is going to be amazing. A bunch of really great works of art and a world premiere of a new musical! I'll post the season as soon as I know it can be public. (Don't want to go pissing anyone off before I even get there! lol)
In fact, it is now 5:42am, and I have yet to go to bed. I became so obsessive and excited after I read the letter that I texted a bunch of people, talked to a good friend about it, and ordered all of the books I needed (plus some "suggested reading") right up until about now. I also did some budgeting. lol
The budgeting, however, made me anxious because I am afraid I won't have enough money to not have a job while I am at the Conservatory. In fact, I *can't* have a job while at Conservatory. It says so in the handbook. They will allow it if you have extenuating financial circumstances and you talk to the Director of the program about it. But that is all.
And I'm pretty sure the Director of the program would not be ok with my current profession. And I'm not even sure I'd have enough time for it anyway.
I am putting my faith in God that the money will come from somewhere, so I am not worried about it (ok, I'm a little worried about it), but it still makes me anxious. I suppose if I had complete faith, I wouldn't even be anxious, but I'm working on that. I think life is half fate/the hand of God and half what you put into it. Or maybe more.
Either way, I'm going to go to the Conservatory. And I'm going to spend the next 2 years living out of my car if I have to.
I am hoping some friends will gather money for me or I can find a benefactor of some sort. Because it's not like I'm not working hard. I am...it's just that I have so many bills and medical things to take care of, it's hard to *just* save up for one thing.
And loans are not an option.
Oh yes, and the discipline thing. Well, I'm going to have to start running/working out again on a regular basis. They want you to be fit as a fiddle and in good condition *before* you arrive at the conservatory. And I want to be too. I also want to have a good number of plays and school books and the two suggested books read before I go. I need to make myself a schedule and follow it. It needs to be done.
Let the juggling begin.
I just received my informational welcome letter and the upcoming season from the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. I am stoked. The season is going to be amazing. A bunch of really great works of art and a world premiere of a new musical! I'll post the season as soon as I know it can be public. (Don't want to go pissing anyone off before I even get there! lol)
In fact, it is now 5:42am, and I have yet to go to bed. I became so obsessive and excited after I read the letter that I texted a bunch of people, talked to a good friend about it, and ordered all of the books I needed (plus some "suggested reading") right up until about now. I also did some budgeting. lol
The budgeting, however, made me anxious because I am afraid I won't have enough money to not have a job while I am at the Conservatory. In fact, I *can't* have a job while at Conservatory. It says so in the handbook. They will allow it if you have extenuating financial circumstances and you talk to the Director of the program about it. But that is all.
And I'm pretty sure the Director of the program would not be ok with my current profession. And I'm not even sure I'd have enough time for it anyway.
I am putting my faith in God that the money will come from somewhere, so I am not worried about it (ok, I'm a little worried about it), but it still makes me anxious. I suppose if I had complete faith, I wouldn't even be anxious, but I'm working on that. I think life is half fate/the hand of God and half what you put into it. Or maybe more.
Either way, I'm going to go to the Conservatory. And I'm going to spend the next 2 years living out of my car if I have to.
I am hoping some friends will gather money for me or I can find a benefactor of some sort. Because it's not like I'm not working hard. I am...it's just that I have so many bills and medical things to take care of, it's hard to *just* save up for one thing.
And loans are not an option.
Oh yes, and the discipline thing. Well, I'm going to have to start running/working out again on a regular basis. They want you to be fit as a fiddle and in good condition *before* you arrive at the conservatory. And I want to be too. I also want to have a good number of plays and school books and the two suggested books read before I go. I need to make myself a schedule and follow it. It needs to be done.
Let the juggling begin.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I Hurt
I hurt today. I'm not sure why. It's probably stress. Which reminds me, I need to take my shot.
I've been feeling better/more hopeful about things lately. I'm not sure what the change is. I think some of it is that I have things to look forward to (PCPA). Even if it doesn't work out, it's enough to keep me going for right now.
I also have a job. So having the extra income will help, especially since I have bills to pay.
But I have realized I need things to look forward to. If I just have everyday life, I become depressed and disillusioned. This obviously means life will be harder for me in the long run, considering that even when I start working on becoming a professional actress, it'll be the same thing day in, day out. Maybe it'll be different because I'll be able to hope I get a job from whatever audition I'll be going to, but that might even be draining eventually.
I'm a big picture girl, so for me to have something new on the table means I get to dream about what could happen and the million different ways things could play out. This keeps me happy.
But I know it is not realistic to have something new on the table every day...and maybe not even every year.
I know I am not the only one like this. So what do those people do?
Do we consistently live life in a state of sadness when we don't have anything new and exciting happening in our lives? Or are there some of us out there like this who have learned to accept that life isn't always going to be new and exciting and it may be boring from time to time? And if so, how the heck did you get there????
I've been feeling better/more hopeful about things lately. I'm not sure what the change is. I think some of it is that I have things to look forward to (PCPA). Even if it doesn't work out, it's enough to keep me going for right now.
I also have a job. So having the extra income will help, especially since I have bills to pay.
But I have realized I need things to look forward to. If I just have everyday life, I become depressed and disillusioned. This obviously means life will be harder for me in the long run, considering that even when I start working on becoming a professional actress, it'll be the same thing day in, day out. Maybe it'll be different because I'll be able to hope I get a job from whatever audition I'll be going to, but that might even be draining eventually.
I'm a big picture girl, so for me to have something new on the table means I get to dream about what could happen and the million different ways things could play out. This keeps me happy.
But I know it is not realistic to have something new on the table every day...and maybe not even every year.
I know I am not the only one like this. So what do those people do?
Do we consistently live life in a state of sadness when we don't have anything new and exciting happening in our lives? Or are there some of us out there like this who have learned to accept that life isn't always going to be new and exciting and it may be boring from time to time? And if so, how the heck did you get there????
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Positoovity
So, recently, the boyfriend has told me I need to stop being so negative and start thinking about things positively. Part of me thinks this is just a ploy by him to screw me over...but there is a grain of truth to this, regardless of his reasons for wanting me to be positive. (Although, I think he meant more positive about our relationship and where it's going than my current situation...but it still applies across the board.)
Lately, I've been really anxious and over-analyzing things - mostly about our relationship and whether or not it's worth all the work and fights, etc., but I'm also just anxious and worried in general. Anxious and worried about whether or not I'll get the money to go to PCPA, anxious and worried I'll never be able to stop living out of my car without having to give up my dreams of acting. I'm sure I'm anxious and worried about things I don't even know I'm anxious and worried about!
The point is, I'm spending so much time being anxious and worried and focusing on this relationship, that I'm forgetting how to have fun. Not to say that life is all about fun - great things take work and sacrifice! - but I have to have fun sometimes and stop being anxious and worried so much.
Why?
Because it's draining!
I've gotten into this loop where I feel if I'm not worried and anxious and constantly thinking about things, I may get hurt or things won't work out or the planet will fall apart or all the self control the boy says he's using will just go away.
Maybe I haven't restored my faith in humanity yet. It's a process. A very slow one for me.
I wish I could just get over it and move on, but I've always been a sensitive person. And someday someone will appreciate that and love me exactly for that.
I wonder what happened to the person I was when I was in high school. I got hurt, but I was always able to bounce back with hope and positivity about the future. It was so much easier to live in the moment and not worry about what tomorrow would bring. I was happy, for the most part. At this point, high school was so long ago that I'm not sure how much of that was a mask for what was really going on (i.e.: abusive parents whose love was conditional for the most part), but I feel like I've swung completely the other way. From super peppy, happy, sweet, everything's going to be ok! girl to super depressed, morose, negative Nancy.
Oy!
I need to find some balance.
Lately, I've been really anxious and over-analyzing things - mostly about our relationship and whether or not it's worth all the work and fights, etc., but I'm also just anxious and worried in general. Anxious and worried about whether or not I'll get the money to go to PCPA, anxious and worried I'll never be able to stop living out of my car without having to give up my dreams of acting. I'm sure I'm anxious and worried about things I don't even know I'm anxious and worried about!
The point is, I'm spending so much time being anxious and worried and focusing on this relationship, that I'm forgetting how to have fun. Not to say that life is all about fun - great things take work and sacrifice! - but I have to have fun sometimes and stop being anxious and worried so much.
Why?
Because it's draining!
I've gotten into this loop where I feel if I'm not worried and anxious and constantly thinking about things, I may get hurt or things won't work out or the planet will fall apart or all the self control the boy says he's using will just go away.
Maybe I haven't restored my faith in humanity yet. It's a process. A very slow one for me.
I wish I could just get over it and move on, but I've always been a sensitive person. And someday someone will appreciate that and love me exactly for that.
I wonder what happened to the person I was when I was in high school. I got hurt, but I was always able to bounce back with hope and positivity about the future. It was so much easier to live in the moment and not worry about what tomorrow would bring. I was happy, for the most part. At this point, high school was so long ago that I'm not sure how much of that was a mask for what was really going on (i.e.: abusive parents whose love was conditional for the most part), but I feel like I've swung completely the other way. From super peppy, happy, sweet, everything's going to be ok! girl to super depressed, morose, negative Nancy.
Oy!
I need to find some balance.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Help Me Win $2500 for School!
So, as you all know, I am trying to raise enough funds to attend the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. CastleInk.com is having this contest where the person who drives the most visits to the website via that person's ditty on recycling wins!
Please visit my Facebook note and click through to the CastleInk.com website.
Thank you!! :D
Please visit my Facebook note and click through to the CastleInk.com website.
Thank you!! :D
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
If You Don't Like It....
So lately, I've been involved in romantic relationships. Some of you may be thinking, "You're living out of your car, shouldn't you be focusing on other things?" Probably. But such is the human condition, and apparently my needs are being met well enough that I feel like I can be doing what I'm doing (job hunting, school, shows, etc.) and also be working on a romantic relationship. My choice. If you don't like it, well, it's not your life, so you can take your opinion and shove it.
Last night, I went out to dinner with a friend. Now, I wouldn't say we're particularly close, but we check in on each other regularly and see each other every few months. However, every time I go out with this friend (and sometimes even when we're checking in on each other), he comments, fairly continuously, on the guy I'm dating at the moment. And by comment, I mean makes fun of. He *never* has anything nice to say. He even made fun of my ex when we were together, even though my ex was supporting us and we lived a comfortable lifestyle. We weren't rich by any means, and sometimes we were barely scraping by, but he made enough money so I didn't have to work and could focus on school and my dreams.
Come to think of it, my friend made fun of my ex last night too.
And, frankly, I'm sick of it.
I've had other people give me this talk before about how I should be dating guys who are more successful (i.e.: financially stable, own their own house, have a college degree, etc., etc. ), and the end statement is always, "I just think you could do better."
I'm sorry, but who are *you* to tell me what "better" is????
Granted, I did say in this conversation that I'm not financially stable or anywhere near what is considered "successful" in general society, so why would a "successful" guy want to be with me? Although I think there is a double standard set up where it's ok for women to be less "successful" than a man, but that's another argument for another day. So, on some level, it's entirely possible that *I* don't think I'm good enough for a successful man. And I've said on numerous occasions that I probably won't find "The One" until I feel like an adult (although I'm not entirely sure I'll ever feel like an adult either).
But, really, what I think the problem is, is that people want to project their beliefs of "success" onto me.
For me, a "successful" man is not necessarily one I want to be in a relationship with. The man I want to be in a relationship with is one who treats me well, is emotionally open, self-aware, strives to be a better person, compassionate, loving, caring, and, ultimately, loves me for me - despite my issues and due to the fact that I march to the beat of a different drummer.
I don't care if he doesn't have a car or a college degree or if he's living with his parents or doesn't make a lot of money. These things are purely temporary. It's not like these situations are forever.
Now, it's one thing if this is his situation and he's ok with it and not doing anything to change it because, yes, eventually, I would like someone who can help support a household, but even for that, a college degree, car, etc. are not necessary. But as long as he's striving to make things better, who the hell cares what the situation is now??
I obviously don't.
And it's not like you're the one dating him, so why do you feel the need to push your idea of what is good for me onto me?
*I* know what is good for me. *I* know what I want. Not you.
NOT. YOU.
It may not fit into your belief system, but it obviously fits into mine, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it.
If you really feel the need to get your opinion out there, that's fine. I don't mind hearing it. In fact, I value it and take it into consideration. But say it once and then let it be.
When you go on and on non-stop about it and also try and analyze *my* family dynamic/situation to see if I'm repeating patterns, it's not only rude, it's also insulting, demeaning, and downright disrespectful.
On top of that, regardless of whether or not my parents lived with their parents or not, how about you get out of your little American box and look at other cultures for a sec? Just because my grandmother lived with us my whole life does not mean I'm repeating a pattern, nor does it mean my parents were unsuccessful or whatever other judgmental adjective you feel you're justified to throw their way. It just means it was a different lifestyle. In many other cultures people live with their parents - or more like their parents live with them, but that's tit for tat. In fact, in some cultures, you're scorned if you don't take your parents in.
Bottom line:
If you want to express your opinion, feel free. But don't harp on me that I'm not doing what you think I should do. I know well enough what I want and what I need. And don't sit there judging other people's situations. Because you don't know.
What's good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. And just because I don't fit in your little box does not give you the right to disrespect me and my choices.
Last night, I went out to dinner with a friend. Now, I wouldn't say we're particularly close, but we check in on each other regularly and see each other every few months. However, every time I go out with this friend (and sometimes even when we're checking in on each other), he comments, fairly continuously, on the guy I'm dating at the moment. And by comment, I mean makes fun of. He *never* has anything nice to say. He even made fun of my ex when we were together, even though my ex was supporting us and we lived a comfortable lifestyle. We weren't rich by any means, and sometimes we were barely scraping by, but he made enough money so I didn't have to work and could focus on school and my dreams.
Come to think of it, my friend made fun of my ex last night too.
And, frankly, I'm sick of it.
I've had other people give me this talk before about how I should be dating guys who are more successful (i.e.: financially stable, own their own house, have a college degree, etc., etc. ), and the end statement is always, "I just think you could do better."
I'm sorry, but who are *you* to tell me what "better" is????
Granted, I did say in this conversation that I'm not financially stable or anywhere near what is considered "successful" in general society, so why would a "successful" guy want to be with me? Although I think there is a double standard set up where it's ok for women to be less "successful" than a man, but that's another argument for another day. So, on some level, it's entirely possible that *I* don't think I'm good enough for a successful man. And I've said on numerous occasions that I probably won't find "The One" until I feel like an adult (although I'm not entirely sure I'll ever feel like an adult either).
But, really, what I think the problem is, is that people want to project their beliefs of "success" onto me.
For me, a "successful" man is not necessarily one I want to be in a relationship with. The man I want to be in a relationship with is one who treats me well, is emotionally open, self-aware, strives to be a better person, compassionate, loving, caring, and, ultimately, loves me for me - despite my issues and due to the fact that I march to the beat of a different drummer.
I don't care if he doesn't have a car or a college degree or if he's living with his parents or doesn't make a lot of money. These things are purely temporary. It's not like these situations are forever.
Now, it's one thing if this is his situation and he's ok with it and not doing anything to change it because, yes, eventually, I would like someone who can help support a household, but even for that, a college degree, car, etc. are not necessary. But as long as he's striving to make things better, who the hell cares what the situation is now??
I obviously don't.
And it's not like you're the one dating him, so why do you feel the need to push your idea of what is good for me onto me?
*I* know what is good for me. *I* know what I want. Not you.
NOT. YOU.
It may not fit into your belief system, but it obviously fits into mine, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it.
If you really feel the need to get your opinion out there, that's fine. I don't mind hearing it. In fact, I value it and take it into consideration. But say it once and then let it be.
When you go on and on non-stop about it and also try and analyze *my* family dynamic/situation to see if I'm repeating patterns, it's not only rude, it's also insulting, demeaning, and downright disrespectful.
On top of that, regardless of whether or not my parents lived with their parents or not, how about you get out of your little American box and look at other cultures for a sec? Just because my grandmother lived with us my whole life does not mean I'm repeating a pattern, nor does it mean my parents were unsuccessful or whatever other judgmental adjective you feel you're justified to throw their way. It just means it was a different lifestyle. In many other cultures people live with their parents - or more like their parents live with them, but that's tit for tat. In fact, in some cultures, you're scorned if you don't take your parents in.
Bottom line:
If you want to express your opinion, feel free. But don't harp on me that I'm not doing what you think I should do. I know well enough what I want and what I need. And don't sit there judging other people's situations. Because you don't know.
What's good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. And just because I don't fit in your little box does not give you the right to disrespect me and my choices.
Friday, April 22, 2011
An Essay
“When the world says, ‘Give up,’
Hope whispers, ‘Try one more time.’”
- Author Unknown
My first stage role was in 3rd grade as a bird in a production of Cinderella. I continued acting until I was 17 when I moved from Wisconsin to Los Angeles, carrying with me grand dreams of becoming a famous actress. What I didn’t realize, however, was that it takes more than dreams to make it as an actress. At that age, I didn’t have enough maturity or knowledge to comprehend there was more to acting than being famous. Long story short, at that time in my life, I couldn’t handle the rejection, and I quit performing. I graduated with a degree in Psychology and found an opportunity in the psychological field.
While working, I started taking voice lessons again because I wanted to obtain a second Bachelor’s degree in Vocal Performance. However, my vocal coach said I would never be successful because my voice wasn’t big enough. Being in a similar headspace as when I was 17, I listened to her and decided to give up my dreams again, instead entering a Doctoral program in Clinical Psychology.
It wasn’t until my first year of graduate school I realized I would not feel fulfilled unless I followed my dreams, regardless of what anyone told me. Armed now with more life experience and determination, I quit my Doctoral program and auditioned for the local musical. I was cast in the ensemble, but it was a great start for not having been on stage in almost ten years. I also enrolled in singing, acting, and dancing classes at the local community college to help refine my ability and to figure out the best course of action to pursue a career in acting.
Over the past 2 years, I feel my performing skills have improved greatly because of my hard work. I’ve always had inexhaustible passion, motivation, and perseverance, putting 150% into everything I do. But I’ve always lacked focus; never sure I was on the right path. How do I know I’m on the right path now? Because when I’m doing homework, character work, or rehearsal, it feels like the most refreshing glass of water I’ve ever drank on a sweltering hot day.
I know I will be successful because I’ve heard the world telling me to give up, and I listened. But hope came knocking on my door and told me to try again. I will never give up again because now I’m not only armed with ambition, perseverance, and passion, but I’m also armed with knowledge, dedication, and experience. I now have the knowledge that rejection is a part of acting and, when it happens, I just need to keep going. I have the life experience and maturity to know I will lose 100% of the chances I don’t take. And I have the dedication to becoming, not a famous actress, but a great actress who promotes and exemplifies her craft.
Hope whispers, ‘Try one more time.’”
- Author Unknown
My first stage role was in 3rd grade as a bird in a production of Cinderella. I continued acting until I was 17 when I moved from Wisconsin to Los Angeles, carrying with me grand dreams of becoming a famous actress. What I didn’t realize, however, was that it takes more than dreams to make it as an actress. At that age, I didn’t have enough maturity or knowledge to comprehend there was more to acting than being famous. Long story short, at that time in my life, I couldn’t handle the rejection, and I quit performing. I graduated with a degree in Psychology and found an opportunity in the psychological field.
While working, I started taking voice lessons again because I wanted to obtain a second Bachelor’s degree in Vocal Performance. However, my vocal coach said I would never be successful because my voice wasn’t big enough. Being in a similar headspace as when I was 17, I listened to her and decided to give up my dreams again, instead entering a Doctoral program in Clinical Psychology.
It wasn’t until my first year of graduate school I realized I would not feel fulfilled unless I followed my dreams, regardless of what anyone told me. Armed now with more life experience and determination, I quit my Doctoral program and auditioned for the local musical. I was cast in the ensemble, but it was a great start for not having been on stage in almost ten years. I also enrolled in singing, acting, and dancing classes at the local community college to help refine my ability and to figure out the best course of action to pursue a career in acting.
Over the past 2 years, I feel my performing skills have improved greatly because of my hard work. I’ve always had inexhaustible passion, motivation, and perseverance, putting 150% into everything I do. But I’ve always lacked focus; never sure I was on the right path. How do I know I’m on the right path now? Because when I’m doing homework, character work, or rehearsal, it feels like the most refreshing glass of water I’ve ever drank on a sweltering hot day.
I know I will be successful because I’ve heard the world telling me to give up, and I listened. But hope came knocking on my door and told me to try again. I will never give up again because now I’m not only armed with ambition, perseverance, and passion, but I’m also armed with knowledge, dedication, and experience. I now have the knowledge that rejection is a part of acting and, when it happens, I just need to keep going. I have the life experience and maturity to know I will lose 100% of the chances I don’t take. And I have the dedication to becoming, not a famous actress, but a great actress who promotes and exemplifies her craft.
What a Piece of Work is Man
I've always found that selling myself is one of my weakest points. It's such a fine line between being confident in my abilities and being egotistical. We live in such a world where we have to downplay what we're good at; where we always can do better - there is never "the best". So, for me, working on this essay for a $5000 scholarship was hard. Why do I deserve this scholarship? I don't know. I don't think I deserve it anymore than the next needy Joe Schmo that's out there. But actually, that's a lie. Because I do think I deserve it more than the next needy Joe Schmo that's out there. Why? Because I'm living out of my car to follow my dreams. I don't know a lot of people who would do that. I just don't. I've heard many people say, "If only I had done x when I was younger." "If only I had been ok with being a back up singer or chorus girl. That would be much better than what I'm doing now."
That's what originally made me quit my Doctoral program in the first place. Because I didn't want to be one of those people. And every morning I was in that program, I would wake up thinking, "Is this really it? Is this how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life??" with a sour look on my face and disbelief in my heart. That's what made me leave my incredibly comfortable 3 year relationship. Because I didn't want to, I couldn't, be one of those people who would wonder 10 or 20 years down the line if I could have made it. If things could have been better. If I had just settled for chorus instead of being a star, if I would have been happier.
I just couldn't do it.
So here I am.
Living out of my car with no source of income and, come next month, no way whatsoever to pay my bills.
And I'm strangely ok with that.
Because in my heart, I know things will work out and I know the money will come.
I had a job interview last week, and I'm going to be applying for temp agencies this weekend. I am supposed to hear by tomorrow about a 2nd interview. I think the 1st one went well, so I expect to get a call tomorrow. And, if not, then I'll call them on Monday.
I've come too far and worked too hard to go back to the life I had led.
I absolutely refuse to wake up in the mornings wondering, "Is this it?" ever again.
"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time'."
- Author Unknown
That's what originally made me quit my Doctoral program in the first place. Because I didn't want to be one of those people. And every morning I was in that program, I would wake up thinking, "Is this really it? Is this how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life??" with a sour look on my face and disbelief in my heart. That's what made me leave my incredibly comfortable 3 year relationship. Because I didn't want to, I couldn't, be one of those people who would wonder 10 or 20 years down the line if I could have made it. If things could have been better. If I had just settled for chorus instead of being a star, if I would have been happier.
I just couldn't do it.
So here I am.
Living out of my car with no source of income and, come next month, no way whatsoever to pay my bills.
And I'm strangely ok with that.
Because in my heart, I know things will work out and I know the money will come.
I had a job interview last week, and I'm going to be applying for temp agencies this weekend. I am supposed to hear by tomorrow about a 2nd interview. I think the 1st one went well, so I expect to get a call tomorrow. And, if not, then I'll call them on Monday.
I've come too far and worked too hard to go back to the life I had led.
I absolutely refuse to wake up in the mornings wondering, "Is this it?" ever again.
"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time'."
- Author Unknown
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Scholarships
I was accepted to the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. Now I just need to find a way to pay for it.
I'm applying for a $5000 scholarship, but I need to write a 500 word or less essay about why I deserve this scholarship. I can think of a bajillion reasons. Passion, drive, professionalism, really knowing what I want in life because I'm older...and the biggest reason - because I'm freaking LIVING OUT OF MY CAR to pursue my dreams. You'd think that'd be enough, but none of those reasons seem good enough.
Plus, I'm not sure how to write about that without seeming lazy or crazy.
There have been other celebrities who have done it. Jewel lived out of her van with her mom. I'm not sure what the exact story is there, but I know she used to live out of her van.
And then, of course, there is the overwhelming feeling of not being a good enough artist, and just not being good enough in general.
I guess one thing I can be proud of though is that I would go through tons of hardship and depression and uncomfortable-ness just to pursue my dream and my passion. I think that's pretty admirable. :)
I'm applying for a $5000 scholarship, but I need to write a 500 word or less essay about why I deserve this scholarship. I can think of a bajillion reasons. Passion, drive, professionalism, really knowing what I want in life because I'm older...and the biggest reason - because I'm freaking LIVING OUT OF MY CAR to pursue my dreams. You'd think that'd be enough, but none of those reasons seem good enough.
Plus, I'm not sure how to write about that without seeming lazy or crazy.
There have been other celebrities who have done it. Jewel lived out of her van with her mom. I'm not sure what the exact story is there, but I know she used to live out of her van.
And then, of course, there is the overwhelming feeling of not being a good enough artist, and just not being good enough in general.
I guess one thing I can be proud of though is that I would go through tons of hardship and depression and uncomfortable-ness just to pursue my dream and my passion. I think that's pretty admirable. :)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Topsy Turvy
I'm pretty sure I'm fighting depression. There have been a lot of stressors in my life recently. Obviously, one of which is living in my car.
I've been blessed with good friends who have cozy beds and warm showers. I've received a job interview, which I am hoping will work out. I received acceptance into a conservatory.
My love life is rocky, but I'm loved and we're working on making it good. Whether or not it will work out...who knows. But we do love each other. I just have to be willing to open my heart up and be vulnerable again, and remember that if I do get hurt, it's not the end of the world. Because I still have myself and I still have my integrity, and as one good friend told me, "Do everything you can to make it good. That way if it doesn't work out, you can't blame yourself."
I've found that I've been very fear based lately and over thinking things. At least when it comes to romance. Sometimes I don't even think I should be romantic because of my living situation. But it's nice to have someone around to be intimate with like that. And maybe that's what I should be grateful for and what I should focus on.
I've found my priorities aren't straight lately. Love is coming first. Which perhaps isn't a bad thing, but it's coming before myself...and that's not good. I can't lose myself like I did before. And maybe that's the lesson learned. I can love, I can be vulnerable...but that doesn't mean I need to lose myself.
Who am I?
I am fuel, I am fire, I am that which you desire. Heh.
But seriously...who am I?
I am Kari. The girl who's afraid to love because she's gotten her heart broken one too many times. I am Kari. The girl who's living out of her car, chasing a pipe dream, but really hoping that pipe dream will become reality. I am Kari. The girl who used to be open to so many new things and would throw herself into relationships with reckless abandon, but is now so afraid to give of herself. I am Kari. The girl who can't make it three days without crying about something. I am Kari. The girl who wishes she could find happiness again. I am Kari. The girl who wants and wishes and hopes and dreams...although all of those shift focus at any given time. I am the girl who dreams bad things and sometimes lies and is too damn emotional. Can you ever be too damn emotional? I am the girl who wants greatness, but also fears it. Because what would life be like if it was good? If it was great? If I was actually happy. Sometimes I think I look for unhappiness because it's all I know. Because I grew up in a household where the thing to do was complain. Where nothing was ever good enough. Where fights happened everyday. Where the name of the game was control and aggression, not assertion and acceptance. So how do I get to where I want to be? How do I become this peaceful warrior. And how do I balance that with the amazingness that is feeling emotions?
Where do I go from here? This isn't where I intended to be.
I've been blessed with good friends who have cozy beds and warm showers. I've received a job interview, which I am hoping will work out. I received acceptance into a conservatory.
My love life is rocky, but I'm loved and we're working on making it good. Whether or not it will work out...who knows. But we do love each other. I just have to be willing to open my heart up and be vulnerable again, and remember that if I do get hurt, it's not the end of the world. Because I still have myself and I still have my integrity, and as one good friend told me, "Do everything you can to make it good. That way if it doesn't work out, you can't blame yourself."
I've found that I've been very fear based lately and over thinking things. At least when it comes to romance. Sometimes I don't even think I should be romantic because of my living situation. But it's nice to have someone around to be intimate with like that. And maybe that's what I should be grateful for and what I should focus on.
I've found my priorities aren't straight lately. Love is coming first. Which perhaps isn't a bad thing, but it's coming before myself...and that's not good. I can't lose myself like I did before. And maybe that's the lesson learned. I can love, I can be vulnerable...but that doesn't mean I need to lose myself.
Who am I?
I am fuel, I am fire, I am that which you desire. Heh.
But seriously...who am I?
I am Kari. The girl who's afraid to love because she's gotten her heart broken one too many times. I am Kari. The girl who's living out of her car, chasing a pipe dream, but really hoping that pipe dream will become reality. I am Kari. The girl who used to be open to so many new things and would throw herself into relationships with reckless abandon, but is now so afraid to give of herself. I am Kari. The girl who can't make it three days without crying about something. I am Kari. The girl who wishes she could find happiness again. I am Kari. The girl who wants and wishes and hopes and dreams...although all of those shift focus at any given time. I am the girl who dreams bad things and sometimes lies and is too damn emotional. Can you ever be too damn emotional? I am the girl who wants greatness, but also fears it. Because what would life be like if it was good? If it was great? If I was actually happy. Sometimes I think I look for unhappiness because it's all I know. Because I grew up in a household where the thing to do was complain. Where nothing was ever good enough. Where fights happened everyday. Where the name of the game was control and aggression, not assertion and acceptance. So how do I get to where I want to be? How do I become this peaceful warrior. And how do I balance that with the amazingness that is feeling emotions?
Where do I go from here? This isn't where I intended to be.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Overwhelmed
This morning was a sad morning. I was looking for my black skirt in my car. I was meeting a new person for coffee and really wanted to wear my black skirt. I couldn't find it. There are clothes strewn all over my car, and things aren't very well organized. I also had to leave for a workshop at 12. Anyway, I couldn't find the black skirt, and I was running on time, so I had about 5 mins to look for it to no avail. I lost it. I was so overwhelmed that not being able to find the skirt in the time I was allotted made me cry and get really sad...to the point of not knowing if I can do this anymore. This being...life, acting, drive, anything really. I felt very desolate. Very alone. Very hopeless because it seems like there isn't an end in sight. It seems like I will have to give up my dreams and go back to the daily grind of a 9-5'er and of doing something I don't want to be doing.
Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do to get where I want to go, but I spent so many years being unsure of what I should be doing and living for others, that it kills me to think I'd have to go back to that.
I have one more month until my funding runs out completely. I've been thinking if this RENT thing doesn't work out, I'll find a full time job and save money so I can apply for MFA Acting programs. And do community theatre on the side. The problem is, it seems almost impossible for me to find a job that only runs 9-5 or so and doesn't involve night work. I'm too educated to just do secretarial work, and what I am educated in requires working evenings and odd hours.
I'm going to start applying to temp agencies next week, and I'm hoping something will come from that. Maybe night time legal secretary or something.
The thing that keeps me going, no matter how desolate I feel, is that I've never questioned if this is worth it. I'm asking myself right now if this is worth it...and I don't have an answer for that because it's never been a question. Maybe I'm stubborn (I am.), maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm crazy, but until I become the crazy crackhead homeless lady on the street corner...I will keep chasing this dream. Even if it kills me. That might be a bit extreme. I think if it got to that point, I'd freak out too much. But I have to have a game plan. I'm thinking if I can't find a job here or if other things don't work out, I may move and find some Meisner training. I am working on that in class right now (an acting technique), and I want to do more of it. I feel it makes me a better actor and has opened me up emotionally.
I want to be pushed. I want to see if I can make this happen. I want, I want, I want. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled, silver spooned brat who won't take no for an answer, but this is what I love. This is what I need to do. So yeah, it may be extreme, but if I die trying, at least I tried...and at least I died with passion in my heart and love in my soul.
Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do to get where I want to go, but I spent so many years being unsure of what I should be doing and living for others, that it kills me to think I'd have to go back to that.
I have one more month until my funding runs out completely. I've been thinking if this RENT thing doesn't work out, I'll find a full time job and save money so I can apply for MFA Acting programs. And do community theatre on the side. The problem is, it seems almost impossible for me to find a job that only runs 9-5 or so and doesn't involve night work. I'm too educated to just do secretarial work, and what I am educated in requires working evenings and odd hours.
I'm going to start applying to temp agencies next week, and I'm hoping something will come from that. Maybe night time legal secretary or something.
The thing that keeps me going, no matter how desolate I feel, is that I've never questioned if this is worth it. I'm asking myself right now if this is worth it...and I don't have an answer for that because it's never been a question. Maybe I'm stubborn (I am.), maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm crazy, but until I become the crazy crackhead homeless lady on the street corner...I will keep chasing this dream. Even if it kills me. That might be a bit extreme. I think if it got to that point, I'd freak out too much. But I have to have a game plan. I'm thinking if I can't find a job here or if other things don't work out, I may move and find some Meisner training. I am working on that in class right now (an acting technique), and I want to do more of it. I feel it makes me a better actor and has opened me up emotionally.
I want to be pushed. I want to see if I can make this happen. I want, I want, I want. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled, silver spooned brat who won't take no for an answer, but this is what I love. This is what I need to do. So yeah, it may be extreme, but if I die trying, at least I tried...and at least I died with passion in my heart and love in my soul.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Feelings
So I realized sometimes I talk about my life like it's someone else's. So here is how I've been feeling the past month or so. I feel like my life has been topsy turvy and all over the place. Some days I feel like I have things under control and this living in my car thing isn't so bad. Other days I feel like a complete mess and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and think I should just get a full time job and suffer like everybody else who is unhappy. Because that would be easier...simpler. It's always been this dichotomy of wanting a simple life - being a stay at home mom in a cabin in the woods somewhere - and needing to fulfill my drive and stay busy and be what I consider successful. The question is what's the balance? And how do I find it?
But I know I wouldn't be happy with simple. If I didn't try to do this acting thing full out, I would regret it for the rest of my life and be miserable. But it's scary to wonder where the next source of income will be or whether or not I'll be able to pay my bills for the next month.
I was talking with a friend earlier this weekend, and she said, "You're only a mess if you think you're a mess. It doesn't matter if you look like a mess to other people." I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I may not be doing things the way other people would do them, but I *am* working towards my goal. And I am not a mess.
I AM NOT A MESS.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that when you have people judging you for what you're doing.
But I know I wouldn't be happy with simple. If I didn't try to do this acting thing full out, I would regret it for the rest of my life and be miserable. But it's scary to wonder where the next source of income will be or whether or not I'll be able to pay my bills for the next month.
I was talking with a friend earlier this weekend, and she said, "You're only a mess if you think you're a mess. It doesn't matter if you look like a mess to other people." I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I may not be doing things the way other people would do them, but I *am* working towards my goal. And I am not a mess.
I AM NOT A MESS.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that when you have people judging you for what you're doing.
Sigh
This is getting to be taxing. It's ok, and for right now I'm ok financially. At least in terms of paying the bills. But come April, my funding will run out, and I still have no good job prospects.
I've applied at In N Out, Starbucks, a tutoring place, and I'm teaching pole again (and bellydance!). But the dance classes are not enough to sustain my bills. Ugh...bills. So I need something else. Maybe next Tues I will go into a temp agency and see if they have anything available. The perfect job would be night time legal secretary, or something like that.
I've thought about going into stripping,and even went to one of the local strip clubs to check it out. But it still seems sleazy to me, and I'd rather not do it unless I absolutely have to. I heard private companies are the way to go though if I do it. Or Vegas, for pole work. We'll see.
In other news, I will be auditioning for RENT, which is coming back to Broadway, on March 30. Please wish me luck and give me lots of support! I'll need it so I don't chicken out. They want auditioners to sing a pop/rock song acapella. I know my voice is classical, so it's hard for me to work up the true confidence needed for these auditions.
I also have a callback for the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts next Sunday. So that's two trips I'll be taking.
I have faith the money will work itself out. I've been super lucky to get it when I need it, but it's anxiety provoking to live in the day to day like this and not have traditional security.
I feel like I need to get more creative with my skills. I'm super good at party and event planning and working out deals with businesses and stuff. I'm also super good at being romantic and loving people. I need to find a way to turn these into a business! Sometimes I think life coach or personal trainer, but I can't afford to spend more money on school and licenses and stuff.
I just need to think outside the box. I need help with that. There has to be a way to make something fit into my schedule that will also make money.
Sometimes I wish I had my own place because sometimes I just want to watch movies and lay on a bed and be by myself. But I have to keep reminding myself there are bigger and better things headed my way. Things that I am working towards.
Bigger and better....bigger and better.
I've applied at In N Out, Starbucks, a tutoring place, and I'm teaching pole again (and bellydance!). But the dance classes are not enough to sustain my bills. Ugh...bills. So I need something else. Maybe next Tues I will go into a temp agency and see if they have anything available. The perfect job would be night time legal secretary, or something like that.
I've thought about going into stripping,and even went to one of the local strip clubs to check it out. But it still seems sleazy to me, and I'd rather not do it unless I absolutely have to. I heard private companies are the way to go though if I do it. Or Vegas, for pole work. We'll see.
In other news, I will be auditioning for RENT, which is coming back to Broadway, on March 30. Please wish me luck and give me lots of support! I'll need it so I don't chicken out. They want auditioners to sing a pop/rock song acapella. I know my voice is classical, so it's hard for me to work up the true confidence needed for these auditions.
I also have a callback for the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts next Sunday. So that's two trips I'll be taking.
I have faith the money will work itself out. I've been super lucky to get it when I need it, but it's anxiety provoking to live in the day to day like this and not have traditional security.
I feel like I need to get more creative with my skills. I'm super good at party and event planning and working out deals with businesses and stuff. I'm also super good at being romantic and loving people. I need to find a way to turn these into a business! Sometimes I think life coach or personal trainer, but I can't afford to spend more money on school and licenses and stuff.
I just need to think outside the box. I need help with that. There has to be a way to make something fit into my schedule that will also make money.
Sometimes I wish I had my own place because sometimes I just want to watch movies and lay on a bed and be by myself. But I have to keep reminding myself there are bigger and better things headed my way. Things that I am working towards.
Bigger and better....bigger and better.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Adventures in My Car - Week 2
Well, I received food stamp benefits, so yay me! That certainly takes a *huge* load off of my shoulders. Of course, I am realizing it's hard to be thrifty and eat healthy without a means of refrigeration and cooking. I'll figure it out. I've been eating a lot of pre-packaged food from Whole Foods and peanut butter sandwiches. The pre-packaged food is getting expensive, but at least it's healthy. I've got to figure something else out though because I can't keep spending that much money on food. I balance it out with not eating a whole lot, but it's not the best tactic.
I am blessed, however, because there are people willing to feed me hot meals. I appreciate hot meals so much more now that I can't have them. :)
So, funny story from this week: I was staying at a friend's apartment complex that has a gate to get in. I don't have a key to this gate, but no biggie because the back gate is always open. However, I left for the day, and when I came back, both gates were closed. I ended up spending the night at another friend's place, and she messaged me at 7:30am telling me the gate was open. When I got back to her place (admittedly, my mistake, it was like 5 hours later), the gate was closed again, and I had no way of getting in and all of my stuff was at her place. I waited for about 15 minutes for someone to come out, but it's a small complex, and it was the middle of the day, so the chances of someone coming out were pretty slim. I tried to jump one of the fences, but they were too tall for me. (At the towering height of 5'2", many things are not as jumpable as I'd like to think they are. lol) But! I found a fence on the other side that was fairly short. The only downfall - it was grown over with *tons* of ferns and bushes and ivy. Ah well, adventure, right?! LOL I hop the fence and realize - I can't actually get through this brush!
So I go hacking through all of it with my hands, and when I get out, I look like this:
You can't tell so much from this picture, but I have ferny bits all over my sweater, in my hair, in my cleavage...just about everywhere. I had to laugh. Because, after all, what else could I do?
The other thing I'm learning from this experience is that homeless people are very respectful and stop asking you for things when you tell them you're living out of your car.
I had a homeless guy stop me at my car. He was so respectful; I was muy impressed. He said, "Excuse me, miss," and stopped about 50 feet from my car and said, "I'm going to stay right here, but I want to talk to you." I was hurrying off somewhere, so I said, "You know what, I don't really have the time for this, and, if you're asking for money, I'm actually living out of my car right now, so I can't give you anything," and he said, "You know, I'm living on the street now too. I totally understand. I'm sorry to have bothered you." I wish I had thought to give him food or something. He was incredibly respectful, and, at this time in my life, I'm probably still better off than him, so lesson learned for me. I can still help out people even though I am at a low point too.
Thank you, life, for this lesson. :)
I am blessed, however, because there are people willing to feed me hot meals. I appreciate hot meals so much more now that I can't have them. :)
So, funny story from this week: I was staying at a friend's apartment complex that has a gate to get in. I don't have a key to this gate, but no biggie because the back gate is always open. However, I left for the day, and when I came back, both gates were closed. I ended up spending the night at another friend's place, and she messaged me at 7:30am telling me the gate was open. When I got back to her place (admittedly, my mistake, it was like 5 hours later), the gate was closed again, and I had no way of getting in and all of my stuff was at her place. I waited for about 15 minutes for someone to come out, but it's a small complex, and it was the middle of the day, so the chances of someone coming out were pretty slim. I tried to jump one of the fences, but they were too tall for me. (At the towering height of 5'2", many things are not as jumpable as I'd like to think they are. lol) But! I found a fence on the other side that was fairly short. The only downfall - it was grown over with *tons* of ferns and bushes and ivy. Ah well, adventure, right?! LOL I hop the fence and realize - I can't actually get through this brush!
So I go hacking through all of it with my hands, and when I get out, I look like this:
You can't tell so much from this picture, but I have ferny bits all over my sweater, in my hair, in my cleavage...just about everywhere. I had to laugh. Because, after all, what else could I do?
The other thing I'm learning from this experience is that homeless people are very respectful and stop asking you for things when you tell them you're living out of your car.
I had a homeless guy stop me at my car. He was so respectful; I was muy impressed. He said, "Excuse me, miss," and stopped about 50 feet from my car and said, "I'm going to stay right here, but I want to talk to you." I was hurrying off somewhere, so I said, "You know what, I don't really have the time for this, and, if you're asking for money, I'm actually living out of my car right now, so I can't give you anything," and he said, "You know, I'm living on the street now too. I totally understand. I'm sorry to have bothered you." I wish I had thought to give him food or something. He was incredibly respectful, and, at this time in my life, I'm probably still better off than him, so lesson learned for me. I can still help out people even though I am at a low point too.
Thank you, life, for this lesson. :)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Adventures in My Car - Week 1
Well, I've arrived back in town, and I'm freaking out about my situation. I only have $50/month to spend on food and toiletries. I'm hoping to get food stamps, but the process causes me some anxiety, and I hate waiting for things. Fortunately, I have done this before and have good people in my life willing to help me with things and support me through this hard time.
I'm spending time at Starbucks. There was this guy who came up to me and asked if I could buy him some food. I was super stressed out, so I ended up giving him this super ugly and mean look and yelling at him. "Um...I'm homeless, so, no, I can't buy you anything to eat!"
He looked really surprised and became super apologetic and said, "I'd offer you a place to stay, but I live with my grandma." I wasn't sure what he said, so I asked him to repeat it, and then he said, "I'd offer to let you stay at my place." Oh...sorry ask for food guy.
I feel bad for yelling at him. It's not his fault I'm homeless, and he doesn't deserve to have me take my stress out on him.
From now on, I am determined to handle my situation with patience and grace and humour.
I'm spending time at Starbucks. There was this guy who came up to me and asked if I could buy him some food. I was super stressed out, so I ended up giving him this super ugly and mean look and yelling at him. "Um...I'm homeless, so, no, I can't buy you anything to eat!"
He looked really surprised and became super apologetic and said, "I'd offer you a place to stay, but I live with my grandma." I wasn't sure what he said, so I asked him to repeat it, and then he said, "I'd offer to let you stay at my place." Oh...sorry ask for food guy.
I feel bad for yelling at him. It's not his fault I'm homeless, and he doesn't deserve to have me take my stress out on him.
From now on, I am determined to handle my situation with patience and grace and humour.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Background
Hi All!
So here's the story: I had been living with my ex-boyfriend for about 8 months. We were not able to stop living with each other because of financial circumstances, but finally, things came to a head and we decided we couldn't live with each other anymore. He got to move back in with his parents, but unfortunately, I didn't have that choice. So, I decided to live in my car until I could find a job that allowed me to follow my dreams and still be in school and do theatre.
Many people think I'm crazy. Perhaps I am. But I believe this is where I'm meant to be right now, and I am looking forward to all of the things I will learn from this experience.
These are the stories of my adventures as I embark on this exciting new journey in my life!
So here's the story: I had been living with my ex-boyfriend for about 8 months. We were not able to stop living with each other because of financial circumstances, but finally, things came to a head and we decided we couldn't live with each other anymore. He got to move back in with his parents, but unfortunately, I didn't have that choice. So, I decided to live in my car until I could find a job that allowed me to follow my dreams and still be in school and do theatre.
Many people think I'm crazy. Perhaps I am. But I believe this is where I'm meant to be right now, and I am looking forward to all of the things I will learn from this experience.
These are the stories of my adventures as I embark on this exciting new journey in my life!
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