Topsy Turvy

I'm pretty sure I'm fighting depression. There have been a lot of stressors in my life recently. Obviously, one of which is living in my car.

I've been blessed with good friends who have cozy beds and warm showers. I've received a job interview, which I am hoping will work out. I received acceptance into a conservatory.

My love life is rocky, but I'm loved and we're working on making it good. Whether or not it will work out...who knows. But we do love each other. I just have to be willing to open my heart up and be vulnerable again, and remember that if I do get hurt, it's not the end of the world. Because I still have myself and I still have my integrity, and as one good friend told me, "Do everything you can to make it good. That way if it doesn't work out, you can't blame yourself."

I've found that I've been very fear based lately and over thinking things. At least when it comes to romance. Sometimes I don't even think I should be romantic because of my living situation. But it's nice to have someone around to be intimate with like that. And maybe that's what I should be grateful for and what I should focus on.

I've found my priorities aren't straight lately. Love is coming first. Which perhaps isn't a bad thing, but it's coming before myself...and that's not good. I can't lose myself like I did before. And maybe that's the lesson learned. I can love, I can be vulnerable...but that doesn't mean I need to lose myself.

Who am I?

I am fuel, I am fire, I am that which you desire. Heh.

But seriously...who am I?

I am Kari. The girl who's afraid to love because she's gotten her heart broken one too many times. I am Kari. The girl who's living out of her car, chasing a pipe dream, but really hoping that pipe dream will become reality. I am Kari. The girl who used to be open to so many new things and would throw herself into relationships with reckless abandon, but is now so afraid to give of herself. I am Kari. The girl who can't make it three days without crying about something. I am Kari. The girl who wishes she could find happiness again. I am Kari. The girl who wants and wishes and hopes and dreams...although all of those shift focus at any given time. I am the girl who dreams bad things and sometimes lies and is too damn emotional. Can you ever be too damn emotional? I am the girl who wants greatness, but also fears it. Because what would life be like if it was good? If it was great? If I was actually happy. Sometimes I think I look for unhappiness because it's all I know. Because I grew up in a household where the thing to do was complain. Where nothing was ever good enough. Where fights happened everyday. Where the name of the game was control and aggression, not assertion and acceptance. So how do I get to where I want to be? How do I become this peaceful warrior. And how do I balance that with the amazingness that is feeling emotions?

Where do I go from here? This isn't where I intended to be.

Overwhelmed

This morning was a sad morning. I was looking for my black skirt in my car. I was meeting a new person for coffee and really wanted to wear my black skirt. I couldn't find it. There are clothes strewn all over my car, and things aren't very well organized. I also had to leave for a workshop at 12. Anyway, I couldn't find the black skirt, and I was running on time, so I had about 5 mins to look for it to no avail. I lost it. I was so overwhelmed that not being able to find the skirt in the time I was allotted made me cry and get really sad...to the point of not knowing if I can do this anymore. This being...life, acting, drive, anything really. I felt very desolate. Very alone. Very hopeless because it seems like there isn't an end in sight. It seems like I will have to give up my dreams and go back to the daily grind of a 9-5'er and of doing something I don't want to be doing.

Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do to get where I want to go, but I spent so many years being unsure of what I should be doing and living for others, that it kills me to think I'd have to go back to that.

I have one more month until my funding runs out completely. I've been thinking if this RENT thing doesn't work out, I'll find a full time job and save money so I can apply for MFA Acting programs. And do community theatre on the side. The problem is, it seems almost impossible for me to find a job that only runs 9-5 or so and doesn't involve night work. I'm too educated to just do secretarial work, and what I am educated in requires working evenings and odd hours.

I'm going to start applying to temp agencies next week, and I'm hoping something will come from that. Maybe night time legal secretary or something.

The thing that keeps me going, no matter how desolate I feel, is that I've never questioned if this is worth it. I'm asking myself right now if this is worth it...and I don't have an answer for that because it's never been a question. Maybe I'm stubborn (I am.), maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm crazy, but until I become the crazy crackhead homeless lady on the street corner...I will keep chasing this dream. Even if it kills me. That might be a bit extreme. I think if it got to that point, I'd freak out too much. But I have to have a game plan. I'm thinking if I can't find a job here or if other things don't work out, I may move and find some Meisner training. I am working on that in class right now (an acting technique), and I want to do more of it. I feel it makes me a better actor and has opened me up emotionally.

I want to be pushed. I want to see if I can make this happen. I want, I want, I want. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled, silver spooned brat who won't take no for an answer, but this is what I love. This is what I need to do. So yeah, it may be extreme, but if I die trying, at least I tried...and at least I died with passion in my heart and love in my soul.

Feelings

So I realized sometimes I talk about my life like it's someone else's. So here is how I've been feeling the past month or so. I feel like my life has been topsy turvy and all over the place. Some days I feel like I have things under control and this living in my car thing isn't so bad. Other days I feel like a complete mess and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and think I should just get a full time job and suffer like everybody else who is unhappy. Because that would be easier...simpler. It's always been this dichotomy of wanting a simple life - being a stay at home mom in a cabin in the woods somewhere - and needing to fulfill my drive and stay busy and be what I consider successful. The question is what's the balance? And how do I find it?

But I know I wouldn't be happy with simple. If I didn't try to do this acting thing full out, I would regret it for the rest of my life and be miserable. But it's scary to wonder where the next source of income will be or whether or not I'll be able to pay my bills for the next month.

I was talking with a friend earlier this weekend, and she said, "You're only a mess if you think you're a mess. It doesn't matter if you look like a mess to other people." I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I may not be doing things the way other people would do them, but I *am* working towards my goal. And I am not a mess.

I AM NOT A MESS.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that when you have people judging you for what you're doing.

Sigh

This is getting to be taxing. It's ok, and for right now I'm ok financially. At least in terms of paying the bills. But come April, my funding will run out, and I still have no good job prospects.

I've applied at In N Out, Starbucks, a tutoring place, and I'm teaching pole again (and bellydance!). But the dance classes are not enough to sustain my bills. Ugh...bills. So I need something else. Maybe next Tues I will go into a temp agency and see if they have anything available. The perfect job would be night time legal secretary, or something like that.

I've thought about going into stripping,and even went to one of the local strip clubs to check it out. But it still seems sleazy to me, and I'd rather not do it unless I absolutely have to. I heard private companies are the way to go though if I do it. Or Vegas, for pole work. We'll see.

In other news, I will be auditioning for RENT, which is coming back to Broadway, on March 30. Please wish me luck and give me lots of support! I'll need it so I don't chicken out. They want auditioners to sing a pop/rock song acapella. I know my voice is classical, so it's hard for me to work up the true confidence needed for these auditions.

I also have a callback for the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts next Sunday. So that's two trips I'll be taking.

I have faith the money will work itself out. I've been super lucky to get it when I need it, but it's anxiety provoking to live in the day to day like this and not have traditional security.

I feel like I need to get more creative with my skills. I'm super good at party and event planning and working out deals with businesses and stuff. I'm also super good at being romantic and loving people. I need to find a way to turn these into a business! Sometimes I think life coach or personal trainer, but I can't afford to spend more money on school and licenses and stuff.

I just need to think outside the box. I need help with that. There has to be a way to make something fit into my schedule that will also make money.

Sometimes I wish I had my own place because sometimes I just want to watch movies and lay on a bed and be by myself. But I have to keep reminding myself there are bigger and better things headed my way. Things that I am working towards.

Bigger and better....bigger and better.