Topsy Turvy

I'm pretty sure I'm fighting depression. There have been a lot of stressors in my life recently. Obviously, one of which is living in my car.

I've been blessed with good friends who have cozy beds and warm showers. I've received a job interview, which I am hoping will work out. I received acceptance into a conservatory.

My love life is rocky, but I'm loved and we're working on making it good. Whether or not it will work out...who knows. But we do love each other. I just have to be willing to open my heart up and be vulnerable again, and remember that if I do get hurt, it's not the end of the world. Because I still have myself and I still have my integrity, and as one good friend told me, "Do everything you can to make it good. That way if it doesn't work out, you can't blame yourself."

I've found that I've been very fear based lately and over thinking things. At least when it comes to romance. Sometimes I don't even think I should be romantic because of my living situation. But it's nice to have someone around to be intimate with like that. And maybe that's what I should be grateful for and what I should focus on.

I've found my priorities aren't straight lately. Love is coming first. Which perhaps isn't a bad thing, but it's coming before myself...and that's not good. I can't lose myself like I did before. And maybe that's the lesson learned. I can love, I can be vulnerable...but that doesn't mean I need to lose myself.

Who am I?

I am fuel, I am fire, I am that which you desire. Heh.

But seriously...who am I?

I am Kari. The girl who's afraid to love because she's gotten her heart broken one too many times. I am Kari. The girl who's living out of her car, chasing a pipe dream, but really hoping that pipe dream will become reality. I am Kari. The girl who used to be open to so many new things and would throw herself into relationships with reckless abandon, but is now so afraid to give of herself. I am Kari. The girl who can't make it three days without crying about something. I am Kari. The girl who wishes she could find happiness again. I am Kari. The girl who wants and wishes and hopes and dreams...although all of those shift focus at any given time. I am the girl who dreams bad things and sometimes lies and is too damn emotional. Can you ever be too damn emotional? I am the girl who wants greatness, but also fears it. Because what would life be like if it was good? If it was great? If I was actually happy. Sometimes I think I look for unhappiness because it's all I know. Because I grew up in a household where the thing to do was complain. Where nothing was ever good enough. Where fights happened everyday. Where the name of the game was control and aggression, not assertion and acceptance. So how do I get to where I want to be? How do I become this peaceful warrior. And how do I balance that with the amazingness that is feeling emotions?

Where do I go from here? This isn't where I intended to be.