If You Don't Like It....

So lately, I've been involved in romantic relationships. Some of you may be thinking, "You're living out of your car, shouldn't you be focusing on other things?" Probably. But such is the human condition, and apparently my needs are being met well enough that I feel like I can be doing what I'm doing (job hunting, school, shows, etc.) and also be working on a romantic relationship. My choice. If you don't like it, well, it's not your life, so you can take your opinion and shove it.

Last night, I went out to dinner with a friend. Now, I wouldn't say we're particularly close, but we check in on each other regularly and see each other every few months. However, every time I go out with this friend (and sometimes even when we're checking in on each other), he comments, fairly continuously, on the guy I'm dating at the moment. And by comment, I mean makes fun of. He *never* has anything nice to say. He even made fun of my ex when we were together, even though my ex was supporting us and we lived a comfortable lifestyle. We weren't rich by any means, and sometimes we were barely scraping by, but he made enough money so I didn't have to work and could focus on school and my dreams.

Come to think of it, my friend made fun of my ex last night too.

And, frankly, I'm sick of it.

I've had other people give me this talk before about how I should be dating guys who are more successful (i.e.: financially stable, own their own house, have a college degree, etc., etc. ), and the end statement is always, "I just think you could do better."

I'm sorry, but who are *you* to tell me what "better" is????

Granted, I did say in this conversation that I'm not financially stable or anywhere near what is considered "successful" in general society, so why would a "successful" guy want to be with me? Although I think there is a double standard set up where it's ok for women to be less "successful" than a man, but that's another argument for another day. So, on some level, it's entirely possible that *I* don't think I'm good enough for a successful man. And I've said on numerous occasions that I probably won't find "The One" until I feel like an adult (although I'm not entirely sure I'll ever feel like an adult either).

But, really, what I think the problem is, is that people want to project their beliefs of "success" onto me.

For me, a "successful" man is not necessarily one I want to be in a relationship with. The man I want to be in a relationship with is one who treats me well, is emotionally open, self-aware, strives to be a better person, compassionate, loving, caring, and, ultimately, loves me for me - despite my issues and due to the fact that I march to the beat of a different drummer.

I don't care if he doesn't have a car or a college degree or if he's living with his parents or doesn't make a lot of money. These things are purely temporary. It's not like these situations are forever.

Now, it's one thing if this is his situation and he's ok with it and not doing anything to change it because, yes, eventually, I would like someone who can help support a household, but even for that, a college degree, car, etc. are not necessary. But as long as he's striving to make things better, who the hell cares what the situation is now??

I obviously don't.

And it's not like you're the one dating him, so why do you feel the need to push your idea of what is good for me onto me?

*I* know what is good for me. *I* know what I want. Not you.

NOT. YOU.

It may not fit into your belief system, but it obviously fits into mine, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it.

If you really feel the need to get your opinion out there, that's fine. I don't mind hearing it. In fact, I value it and take it into consideration. But say it once and then let it be.

When you go on and on non-stop about it and also try and analyze *my* family dynamic/situation to see if I'm repeating patterns, it's not only rude, it's also insulting, demeaning, and downright disrespectful.

On top of that, regardless of whether or not my parents lived with their parents or not, how about you get out of your little American box and look at other cultures for a sec? Just because my grandmother lived with us my whole life does not mean I'm repeating a pattern, nor does it mean my parents were unsuccessful or whatever other judgmental adjective you feel you're justified to throw their way. It just means it was a different lifestyle. In many other cultures people live with their parents - or more like their parents live with them, but that's tit for tat. In fact, in some cultures, you're scorned if you don't take your parents in.

Bottom line:

If you want to express your opinion, feel free. But don't harp on me that I'm not doing what you think I should do. I know well enough what I want and what I need. And don't sit there judging other people's situations. Because you don't know.

What's good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. And just because I don't fit in your little box does not give you the right to disrespect me and my choices.

An Essay

“When the world says, ‘Give up,’
Hope whispers, ‘Try one more time.’”
- Author Unknown

My first stage role was in 3rd grade as a bird in a production of Cinderella. I continued acting until I was 17 when I moved from Wisconsin to Los Angeles, carrying with me grand dreams of becoming a famous actress. What I didn’t realize, however, was that it takes more than dreams to make it as an actress. At that age, I didn’t have enough maturity or knowledge to comprehend there was more to acting than being famous. Long story short, at that time in my life, I couldn’t handle the rejection, and I quit performing. I graduated with a degree in Psychology and found an opportunity in the psychological field.
While working, I started taking voice lessons again because I wanted to obtain a second Bachelor’s degree in Vocal Performance. However, my vocal coach said I would never be successful because my voice wasn’t big enough. Being in a similar headspace as when I was 17, I listened to her and decided to give up my dreams again, instead entering a Doctoral program in Clinical Psychology.
It wasn’t until my first year of graduate school I realized I would not feel fulfilled unless I followed my dreams, regardless of what anyone told me. Armed now with more life experience and determination, I quit my Doctoral program and auditioned for the local musical. I was cast in the ensemble, but it was a great start for not having been on stage in almost ten years. I also enrolled in singing, acting, and dancing classes at the local community college to help refine my ability and to figure out the best course of action to pursue a career in acting.
Over the past 2 years, I feel my performing skills have improved greatly because of my hard work. I’ve always had inexhaustible passion, motivation, and perseverance, putting 150% into everything I do. But I’ve always lacked focus; never sure I was on the right path. How do I know I’m on the right path now? Because when I’m doing homework, character work, or rehearsal, it feels like the most refreshing glass of water I’ve ever drank on a sweltering hot day.
I know I will be successful because I’ve heard the world telling me to give up, and I listened. But hope came knocking on my door and told me to try again. I will never give up again because now I’m not only armed with ambition, perseverance, and passion, but I’m also armed with knowledge, dedication, and experience. I now have the knowledge that rejection is a part of acting and, when it happens, I just need to keep going. I have the life experience and maturity to know I will lose 100% of the chances I don’t take. And I have the dedication to becoming, not a famous actress, but a great actress who promotes and exemplifies her craft.

What a Piece of Work is Man

I've always found that selling myself is one of my weakest points. It's such a fine line between being confident in my abilities and being egotistical. We live in such a world where we have to downplay what we're good at; where we always can do better - there is never "the best". So, for me, working on this essay for a $5000 scholarship was hard. Why do I deserve this scholarship? I don't know. I don't think I deserve it anymore than the next needy Joe Schmo that's out there. But actually, that's a lie. Because I do think I deserve it more than the next needy Joe Schmo that's out there. Why? Because I'm living out of my car to follow my dreams. I don't know a lot of people who would do that. I just don't. I've heard many people say, "If only I had done x when I was younger." "If only I had been ok with being a back up singer or chorus girl. That would be much better than what I'm doing now."

That's what originally made me quit my Doctoral program in the first place. Because I didn't want to be one of those people. And every morning I was in that program, I would wake up thinking, "Is this really it? Is this how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life??" with a sour look on my face and disbelief in my heart. That's what made me leave my incredibly comfortable 3 year relationship. Because I didn't want to, I couldn't, be one of those people who would wonder 10 or 20 years down the line if I could have made it. If things could have been better. If I had just settled for chorus instead of being a star, if I would have been happier.

I just couldn't do it.

So here I am.

Living out of my car with no source of income and, come next month, no way whatsoever to pay my bills.

And I'm strangely ok with that.

Because in my heart, I know things will work out and I know the money will come.

I had a job interview last week, and I'm going to be applying for temp agencies this weekend. I am supposed to hear by tomorrow about a 2nd interview. I think the 1st one went well, so I expect to get a call tomorrow. And, if not, then I'll call them on Monday.

I've come too far and worked too hard to go back to the life I had led.

I absolutely refuse to wake up in the mornings wondering, "Is this it?" ever again.

"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time'."
- Author Unknown

Scholarships

I was accepted to the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. Now I just need to find a way to pay for it.

I'm applying for a $5000 scholarship, but I need to write a 500 word or less essay about why I deserve this scholarship. I can think of a bajillion reasons. Passion, drive, professionalism, really knowing what I want in life because I'm older...and the biggest reason - because I'm freaking LIVING OUT OF MY CAR to pursue my dreams. You'd think that'd be enough, but none of those reasons seem good enough.

Plus, I'm not sure how to write about that without seeming lazy or crazy.

There have been other celebrities who have done it. Jewel lived out of her van with her mom. I'm not sure what the exact story is there, but I know she used to live out of her van.

And then, of course, there is the overwhelming feeling of not being a good enough artist, and just not being good enough in general.

I guess one thing I can be proud of though is that I would go through tons of hardship and depression and uncomfortable-ness just to pursue my dream and my passion. I think that's pretty admirable. :)