What a Piece of Work is Man

I've always found that selling myself is one of my weakest points. It's such a fine line between being confident in my abilities and being egotistical. We live in such a world where we have to downplay what we're good at; where we always can do better - there is never "the best". So, for me, working on this essay for a $5000 scholarship was hard. Why do I deserve this scholarship? I don't know. I don't think I deserve it anymore than the next needy Joe Schmo that's out there. But actually, that's a lie. Because I do think I deserve it more than the next needy Joe Schmo that's out there. Why? Because I'm living out of my car to follow my dreams. I don't know a lot of people who would do that. I just don't. I've heard many people say, "If only I had done x when I was younger." "If only I had been ok with being a back up singer or chorus girl. That would be much better than what I'm doing now."

That's what originally made me quit my Doctoral program in the first place. Because I didn't want to be one of those people. And every morning I was in that program, I would wake up thinking, "Is this really it? Is this how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life??" with a sour look on my face and disbelief in my heart. That's what made me leave my incredibly comfortable 3 year relationship. Because I didn't want to, I couldn't, be one of those people who would wonder 10 or 20 years down the line if I could have made it. If things could have been better. If I had just settled for chorus instead of being a star, if I would have been happier.

I just couldn't do it.

So here I am.

Living out of my car with no source of income and, come next month, no way whatsoever to pay my bills.

And I'm strangely ok with that.

Because in my heart, I know things will work out and I know the money will come.

I had a job interview last week, and I'm going to be applying for temp agencies this weekend. I am supposed to hear by tomorrow about a 2nd interview. I think the 1st one went well, so I expect to get a call tomorrow. And, if not, then I'll call them on Monday.

I've come too far and worked too hard to go back to the life I had led.

I absolutely refuse to wake up in the mornings wondering, "Is this it?" ever again.

"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time'."
- Author Unknown