I Hurt

I hurt today. I'm not sure why. It's probably stress. Which reminds me, I need to take my shot.

I've been feeling better/more hopeful about things lately. I'm not sure what the change is. I think some of it is that I have things to look forward to (PCPA). Even if it doesn't work out, it's enough to keep me going for right now.

I also have a job. So having the extra income will help, especially since I have bills to pay.

But I have realized I need things to look forward to. If I just have everyday life, I become depressed and disillusioned. This obviously means life will be harder for me in the long run, considering that even when I start working on becoming a professional actress, it'll be the same thing day in, day out. Maybe it'll be different because I'll be able to hope I get a job from whatever audition I'll be going to, but that might even be draining eventually.

I'm a big picture girl, so for me to have something new on the table means I get to dream about what could happen and the million different ways things could play out. This keeps me happy.

But I know it is not realistic to have something new on the table every day...and maybe not even every year.

I know I am not the only one like this. So what do those people do?

Do we consistently live life in a state of sadness when we don't have anything new and exciting happening in our lives? Or are there some of us out there like this who have learned to accept that life isn't always going to be new and exciting and it may be boring from time to time? And if so, how the heck did you get there????

Positoovity

So, recently, the boyfriend has told me I need to stop being so negative and start thinking about things positively. Part of me thinks this is just a ploy by him to screw me over...but there is a grain of truth to this, regardless of his reasons for wanting me to be positive. (Although, I think he meant more positive about our relationship and where it's going than my current situation...but it still applies across the board.)

Lately, I've been really anxious and over-analyzing things - mostly about our relationship and whether or not it's worth all the work and fights, etc., but I'm also just anxious and worried in general. Anxious and worried about whether or not I'll get the money to go to PCPA, anxious and worried I'll never be able to stop living out of my car without having to give up my dreams of acting. I'm sure I'm anxious and worried about things I don't even know I'm anxious and worried about!

The point is, I'm spending so much time being anxious and worried and focusing on this relationship, that I'm forgetting how to have fun. Not to say that life is all about fun - great things take work and sacrifice! - but I have to have fun sometimes and stop being anxious and worried so much.

Why?

Because it's draining!

I've gotten into this loop where I feel if I'm not worried and anxious and constantly thinking about things, I may get hurt or things won't work out or the planet will fall apart or all the self control the boy says he's using will just go away.

Maybe I haven't restored my faith in humanity yet. It's a process. A very slow one for me.

I wish I could just get over it and move on, but I've always been a sensitive person. And someday someone will appreciate that and love me exactly for that.

I wonder what happened to the person I was when I was in high school. I got hurt, but I was always able to bounce back with hope and positivity about the future. It was so much easier to live in the moment and not worry about what tomorrow would bring. I was happy, for the most part. At this point, high school was so long ago that I'm not sure how much of that was a mask for what was really going on (i.e.: abusive parents whose love was conditional for the most part), but I feel like I've swung completely the other way. From super peppy, happy, sweet, everything's going to be ok! girl to super depressed, morose, negative Nancy.

Oy!

I need to find some balance.

Help Me Win $2500 for School!

So, as you all know, I am trying to raise enough funds to attend the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. CastleInk.com is having this contest where the person who drives the most visits to the website via that person's ditty on recycling wins!

Please visit my Facebook note and click through to the CastleInk.com website.

Thank you!! :D