Feelings

So I realized sometimes I talk about my life like it's someone else's. So here is how I've been feeling the past month or so. I feel like my life has been topsy turvy and all over the place. Some days I feel like I have things under control and this living in my car thing isn't so bad. Other days I feel like a complete mess and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and think I should just get a full time job and suffer like everybody else who is unhappy. Because that would be easier...simpler. It's always been this dichotomy of wanting a simple life - being a stay at home mom in a cabin in the woods somewhere - and needing to fulfill my drive and stay busy and be what I consider successful. The question is what's the balance? And how do I find it?

But I know I wouldn't be happy with simple. If I didn't try to do this acting thing full out, I would regret it for the rest of my life and be miserable. But it's scary to wonder where the next source of income will be or whether or not I'll be able to pay my bills for the next month.

I was talking with a friend earlier this weekend, and she said, "You're only a mess if you think you're a mess. It doesn't matter if you look like a mess to other people." I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I may not be doing things the way other people would do them, but I *am* working towards my goal. And I am not a mess.

I AM NOT A MESS.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that when you have people judging you for what you're doing.