Overwhelmed

This morning was a sad morning. I was looking for my black skirt in my car. I was meeting a new person for coffee and really wanted to wear my black skirt. I couldn't find it. There are clothes strewn all over my car, and things aren't very well organized. I also had to leave for a workshop at 12. Anyway, I couldn't find the black skirt, and I was running on time, so I had about 5 mins to look for it to no avail. I lost it. I was so overwhelmed that not being able to find the skirt in the time I was allotted made me cry and get really sad...to the point of not knowing if I can do this anymore. This being...life, acting, drive, anything really. I felt very desolate. Very alone. Very hopeless because it seems like there isn't an end in sight. It seems like I will have to give up my dreams and go back to the daily grind of a 9-5'er and of doing something I don't want to be doing.

Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do to get where I want to go, but I spent so many years being unsure of what I should be doing and living for others, that it kills me to think I'd have to go back to that.

I have one more month until my funding runs out completely. I've been thinking if this RENT thing doesn't work out, I'll find a full time job and save money so I can apply for MFA Acting programs. And do community theatre on the side. The problem is, it seems almost impossible for me to find a job that only runs 9-5 or so and doesn't involve night work. I'm too educated to just do secretarial work, and what I am educated in requires working evenings and odd hours.

I'm going to start applying to temp agencies next week, and I'm hoping something will come from that. Maybe night time legal secretary or something.

The thing that keeps me going, no matter how desolate I feel, is that I've never questioned if this is worth it. I'm asking myself right now if this is worth it...and I don't have an answer for that because it's never been a question. Maybe I'm stubborn (I am.), maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm crazy, but until I become the crazy crackhead homeless lady on the street corner...I will keep chasing this dream. Even if it kills me. That might be a bit extreme. I think if it got to that point, I'd freak out too much. But I have to have a game plan. I'm thinking if I can't find a job here or if other things don't work out, I may move and find some Meisner training. I am working on that in class right now (an acting technique), and I want to do more of it. I feel it makes me a better actor and has opened me up emotionally.

I want to be pushed. I want to see if I can make this happen. I want, I want, I want. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled, silver spooned brat who won't take no for an answer, but this is what I love. This is what I need to do. So yeah, it may be extreme, but if I die trying, at least I tried...and at least I died with passion in my heart and love in my soul.