Well, it had to happen eventually. Here's to my first night actually sleeping in my car. It's cold. And I hope I'm not cold. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to park, but I am going to find some residential place to sleep and pray the cops don't come knocking on my window or something worse.
In a way, it's a relief. I've been with people for so long and having to work around their schedules and lifestyles. But now I get to work on my own schedule and not worry about being rude or waking someone unintentionally or feeling weird about my own weird habits. So we'll see how this goes. I just worry about being cold.
At the same time, it makes me sad because I am pampered...and I wonder what I'll do if I wake up in the middle of the night having to pee. (This is likely to happen because I pee a lot! LOL)
At the very least, living out of my car teaches me there is no moment but now, and I am "here". Where ever "here" is.
If I worry about things like having to pee in the middle of the night or where to park, etc., I just get stressed. And it doesn't seem productive to be that way until I need to.
Let it flow and let it go.
I think I'm going to have to bring back, "Patience and grace" and this time add humour.
I can do this. It is worth it.
Please don't feel sorry for me. It's my choice. If I was anyone else, I'd just get a full time job and ignore my dreams and be miserable. But I'm not everyone else. So I ask my friends to just help me along the way when they can and support me in following my dreams. :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Huh...
So, I had the recent revelation that I will be turning 29 at the end of this month. It’s slightly amazing to me what twists and turns and journeys this life has brought me. Ever seeking contentment, I find it fascinating that, when I was in my teens, I couldn’t wait to turn 30 because it seemed like that would be the age where I was settled and content and life would be “perfect”. (Not perfect, but less crazy or something. Do you know what I mean?)
Instead, I’m a year and a bit away from 30, and I’m living out of my car to pursue my passion. I’m single, for all intents and purposes, and I feel like I was more settled when I was a teenager. At the very least, I feel like I had a better grasp on life than I do now. It’s like all the maturity and wisdom I had when I was a teen decided to take a vacation. LOL
I’m not complaining at all because the journey has been wonderous and interesting and I’ve learned a lot. But it’s so weird that what I thought was a magical age is almost upon me, and it doesn’t seem like I’m near settled at all.
Do any of you feel that way? Or have you felt that way about your age or anything in general?
Instead, I’m a year and a bit away from 30, and I’m living out of my car to pursue my passion. I’m single, for all intents and purposes, and I feel like I was more settled when I was a teenager. At the very least, I feel like I had a better grasp on life than I do now. It’s like all the maturity and wisdom I had when I was a teen decided to take a vacation. LOL
I’m not complaining at all because the journey has been wonderous and interesting and I’ve learned a lot. But it’s so weird that what I thought was a magical age is almost upon me, and it doesn’t seem like I’m near settled at all.
Do any of you feel that way? Or have you felt that way about your age or anything in general?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
My Story
Since some of you don't know it...
I've been performing since I was a little girl. It all started with performing Disney movies in the pool with my mother and older brother. The first play I was in was an elementary school version of Cinderella. I played a bird. lol
I continued performing throughout middle school and high school, with school and community productions. In fact, my first community theatre performance was The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe in which I played The Eagle. (Are you sensing a pattern here? lol) My love of theatre continued to the point where I decided I wanted to do it as a career and decided I would major in Acting in college.
I was accepted to the Theatre program at University of Southern California, however, moving from a small rural town in the Midwest to a humungo city on the West coast, I freaked out. I was used to being a fairly well sized fish in a small pond, and I was also lacking the emotional support and self confidence needed to make it in this industry. And I had tons of excuses about why I shouldn't do it. Everything from what my parents were telling me ("This isn't a real career. You need luck and connections to make it.") to the fact I wanted to help people and felt I wasn't doing enough for society by becoming "just an actress". So I changed my major and went on the fabulous journey of "finding myself."
That journey was amazing. I traveled a few places, earned a couple degrees, held a couple of leadership positions, and learned a lot about life and about myself. But like most journeys centered around finding yourself, I ended up right back where I began. My passion for acting could not be squelched any longer. No matter what sorts of excuses I came up with. I was on my way to getting a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology, and I was miserable. To the point where my fellow classmates kept asking why I was still there. So I quit. And I spent a good 6 months sitting on my butt and knitting. Until one of my ex-colleagues asked me if I knew about the local community theatre. She was planning on auditioning.
At the time of her audition, I didn't feel ready, but I looked into it and started preparing for their next round of auditions. Lo and behold, I was cast! I also enrolled in some acting classes at the local community college. These two things were probably the best decisions of my life to date. I learned so much at the college and through the local theatre. I learned how hard I had to work at my craft if I wanted to make it, and I learned how rewarding all this hard work could be, not just for myself, but also for the audience. My perspective changed on all of those negative messages I received and fabricated about acting in my younger years, and I found immense joy in the art. More joy, in fact, than I had ever experienced, even when I was acting on a regular basis while in high school.
Fast forward to the last year or so. After 1.5 years at the community college, I lost my funding, and had to decide between a full time job and giving up what I loved, or figuring something else out. I had already given up what I loved once, and I was not about to do it again. I felt so damned close to realizing my dreams, that I couldn't let it go. I had enough saved up to pay my bills or pay the rent, but not both. So I decided to live out of my car and pay my bills, and continue to go to school. And I'm glad I did. I learned...well, I learned how frustrating being homeless can be and how frustrating it can be when people don't understand passion and why you made certain choices. LOL But most of all, I learned how strong I can be (despite being frustrated a lot) and how lucky I am to have the friends and support that I do. I never once had to sleep in my car through the grace of God and of my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. But the most important thing I think I learned is that I can make anything happen if I put enough effort and energy into it.
During this time of living in my car, I was nominated for an Irene Ryan Scholarship (a big deal in the college acting world), I was accepted to the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts(PCPA), I continued acting with the local theatre, and I did things I never thought I could or would do. And I'm a much stronger person because of it.
Now, I'm on the cusp of leaving for PCPA, and some not so great things have happened. The lady I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son has lymphoma, and can no longer rent a room to me because her son is moving back in and she has to take care of him. This situation sucks for both of us, as I have no affordable place to live, and her son's life hangs in the balance. But I am not selfish enough to say that my situation is worse than hers because it's not. I wish the best for her and her son and send my prayers her way for her son's speedy remission.
However, this also puts me into a bind because I don't know how I will be able to pay for housing anymore. All of the places sent to me are double what she was going to charge me. I have called around to see if anyone else is willing to lower their rent, but so far, the response has been negative. I'm still waiting to hear from a few people, and I am hopeful. :)
I am considering continuing to live out of my car if need be until some scholarship money comes in, or until I can find a place to live at a price where I would feel comfortable taking out a tiny loan. (I already have a ton of student loan debt from my previous education, so I am hesitant to take out more.) And it's not like I've just been sitting on my butt waiting for something good to come my way. I have been working two jobs all summer to earn as much as I can to help pay for PCPA. I have applied to over $30,000 worth of scholarships and continue to apply for more.
And now, I have created this website, in the hopes that people will understand what I'm going through and how hard I am working to make my dreams a realization. I'm not looking for handouts, but for hope and love for a girl who has gumption and guts and a never ending drive to make her dreams come true.
And $1 or $2 would be nice too. ;)
I've been performing since I was a little girl. It all started with performing Disney movies in the pool with my mother and older brother. The first play I was in was an elementary school version of Cinderella. I played a bird. lol
I continued performing throughout middle school and high school, with school and community productions. In fact, my first community theatre performance was The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe in which I played The Eagle. (Are you sensing a pattern here? lol) My love of theatre continued to the point where I decided I wanted to do it as a career and decided I would major in Acting in college.
I was accepted to the Theatre program at University of Southern California, however, moving from a small rural town in the Midwest to a humungo city on the West coast, I freaked out. I was used to being a fairly well sized fish in a small pond, and I was also lacking the emotional support and self confidence needed to make it in this industry. And I had tons of excuses about why I shouldn't do it. Everything from what my parents were telling me ("This isn't a real career. You need luck and connections to make it.") to the fact I wanted to help people and felt I wasn't doing enough for society by becoming "just an actress". So I changed my major and went on the fabulous journey of "finding myself."
That journey was amazing. I traveled a few places, earned a couple degrees, held a couple of leadership positions, and learned a lot about life and about myself. But like most journeys centered around finding yourself, I ended up right back where I began. My passion for acting could not be squelched any longer. No matter what sorts of excuses I came up with. I was on my way to getting a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology, and I was miserable. To the point where my fellow classmates kept asking why I was still there. So I quit. And I spent a good 6 months sitting on my butt and knitting. Until one of my ex-colleagues asked me if I knew about the local community theatre. She was planning on auditioning.
At the time of her audition, I didn't feel ready, but I looked into it and started preparing for their next round of auditions. Lo and behold, I was cast! I also enrolled in some acting classes at the local community college. These two things were probably the best decisions of my life to date. I learned so much at the college and through the local theatre. I learned how hard I had to work at my craft if I wanted to make it, and I learned how rewarding all this hard work could be, not just for myself, but also for the audience. My perspective changed on all of those negative messages I received and fabricated about acting in my younger years, and I found immense joy in the art. More joy, in fact, than I had ever experienced, even when I was acting on a regular basis while in high school.
Fast forward to the last year or so. After 1.5 years at the community college, I lost my funding, and had to decide between a full time job and giving up what I loved, or figuring something else out. I had already given up what I loved once, and I was not about to do it again. I felt so damned close to realizing my dreams, that I couldn't let it go. I had enough saved up to pay my bills or pay the rent, but not both. So I decided to live out of my car and pay my bills, and continue to go to school. And I'm glad I did. I learned...well, I learned how frustrating being homeless can be and how frustrating it can be when people don't understand passion and why you made certain choices. LOL But most of all, I learned how strong I can be (despite being frustrated a lot) and how lucky I am to have the friends and support that I do. I never once had to sleep in my car through the grace of God and of my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. But the most important thing I think I learned is that I can make anything happen if I put enough effort and energy into it.
During this time of living in my car, I was nominated for an Irene Ryan Scholarship (a big deal in the college acting world), I was accepted to the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts(PCPA), I continued acting with the local theatre, and I did things I never thought I could or would do. And I'm a much stronger person because of it.
Now, I'm on the cusp of leaving for PCPA, and some not so great things have happened. The lady I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son has lymphoma, and can no longer rent a room to me because her son is moving back in and she has to take care of him. This situation sucks for both of us, as I have no affordable place to live, and her son's life hangs in the balance. But I am not selfish enough to say that my situation is worse than hers because it's not. I wish the best for her and her son and send my prayers her way for her son's speedy remission.
However, this also puts me into a bind because I don't know how I will be able to pay for housing anymore. All of the places sent to me are double what she was going to charge me. I have called around to see if anyone else is willing to lower their rent, but so far, the response has been negative. I'm still waiting to hear from a few people, and I am hopeful. :)
I am considering continuing to live out of my car if need be until some scholarship money comes in, or until I can find a place to live at a price where I would feel comfortable taking out a tiny loan. (I already have a ton of student loan debt from my previous education, so I am hesitant to take out more.) And it's not like I've just been sitting on my butt waiting for something good to come my way. I have been working two jobs all summer to earn as much as I can to help pay for PCPA. I have applied to over $30,000 worth of scholarships and continue to apply for more.
And now, I have created this website, in the hopes that people will understand what I'm going through and how hard I am working to make my dreams a realization. I'm not looking for handouts, but for hope and love for a girl who has gumption and guts and a never ending drive to make her dreams come true.
And $1 or $2 would be nice too. ;)
PCPA
Oh goodness, it's been awhile.
Well, there's been some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I may have a job while I'm up there...maybe.
The bad news is I might not have a place to live.
The woman whom I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son was diagnosed with lymphoma, so he will now be living in the room since they will have to take care of him.
Bummer. I had a super reasonable price on rent too. Definitely affordable.
Anyway, that's besides the point. Any way you cut it, I have about 3 months worth of bills saved up. I've been working hard towards my goal and over the summer to save as much as I can.
I can only work a very limited amount while in school because of the intensity of the program, and therefore, I am asking all of you for help.
Even if you only contribute $1, it is $1 closer to my goal.
Please consider contributing to my PCPA fund via chipin.com
Thank you!! :)
Well, there's been some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I may have a job while I'm up there...maybe.
The bad news is I might not have a place to live.
The woman whom I was supposed to be renting a room from recently found out her son was diagnosed with lymphoma, so he will now be living in the room since they will have to take care of him.
Bummer. I had a super reasonable price on rent too. Definitely affordable.
Anyway, that's besides the point. Any way you cut it, I have about 3 months worth of bills saved up. I've been working hard towards my goal and over the summer to save as much as I can.
I can only work a very limited amount while in school because of the intensity of the program, and therefore, I am asking all of you for help.
Even if you only contribute $1, it is $1 closer to my goal.
Please consider contributing to my PCPA fund via chipin.com
Thank you!! :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Determination and Discipline
Somehow I'll make it happen. I have to. This is my life blood and my passion. Of course, I am talking about acting.
I just received my informational welcome letter and the upcoming season from the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. I am stoked. The season is going to be amazing. A bunch of really great works of art and a world premiere of a new musical! I'll post the season as soon as I know it can be public. (Don't want to go pissing anyone off before I even get there! lol)
In fact, it is now 5:42am, and I have yet to go to bed. I became so obsessive and excited after I read the letter that I texted a bunch of people, talked to a good friend about it, and ordered all of the books I needed (plus some "suggested reading") right up until about now. I also did some budgeting. lol
The budgeting, however, made me anxious because I am afraid I won't have enough money to not have a job while I am at the Conservatory. In fact, I *can't* have a job while at Conservatory. It says so in the handbook. They will allow it if you have extenuating financial circumstances and you talk to the Director of the program about it. But that is all.
And I'm pretty sure the Director of the program would not be ok with my current profession. And I'm not even sure I'd have enough time for it anyway.
I am putting my faith in God that the money will come from somewhere, so I am not worried about it (ok, I'm a little worried about it), but it still makes me anxious. I suppose if I had complete faith, I wouldn't even be anxious, but I'm working on that. I think life is half fate/the hand of God and half what you put into it. Or maybe more.
Either way, I'm going to go to the Conservatory. And I'm going to spend the next 2 years living out of my car if I have to.
I am hoping some friends will gather money for me or I can find a benefactor of some sort. Because it's not like I'm not working hard. I am...it's just that I have so many bills and medical things to take care of, it's hard to *just* save up for one thing.
And loans are not an option.
Oh yes, and the discipline thing. Well, I'm going to have to start running/working out again on a regular basis. They want you to be fit as a fiddle and in good condition *before* you arrive at the conservatory. And I want to be too. I also want to have a good number of plays and school books and the two suggested books read before I go. I need to make myself a schedule and follow it. It needs to be done.
Let the juggling begin.
I just received my informational welcome letter and the upcoming season from the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts. I am stoked. The season is going to be amazing. A bunch of really great works of art and a world premiere of a new musical! I'll post the season as soon as I know it can be public. (Don't want to go pissing anyone off before I even get there! lol)
In fact, it is now 5:42am, and I have yet to go to bed. I became so obsessive and excited after I read the letter that I texted a bunch of people, talked to a good friend about it, and ordered all of the books I needed (plus some "suggested reading") right up until about now. I also did some budgeting. lol
The budgeting, however, made me anxious because I am afraid I won't have enough money to not have a job while I am at the Conservatory. In fact, I *can't* have a job while at Conservatory. It says so in the handbook. They will allow it if you have extenuating financial circumstances and you talk to the Director of the program about it. But that is all.
And I'm pretty sure the Director of the program would not be ok with my current profession. And I'm not even sure I'd have enough time for it anyway.
I am putting my faith in God that the money will come from somewhere, so I am not worried about it (ok, I'm a little worried about it), but it still makes me anxious. I suppose if I had complete faith, I wouldn't even be anxious, but I'm working on that. I think life is half fate/the hand of God and half what you put into it. Or maybe more.
Either way, I'm going to go to the Conservatory. And I'm going to spend the next 2 years living out of my car if I have to.
I am hoping some friends will gather money for me or I can find a benefactor of some sort. Because it's not like I'm not working hard. I am...it's just that I have so many bills and medical things to take care of, it's hard to *just* save up for one thing.
And loans are not an option.
Oh yes, and the discipline thing. Well, I'm going to have to start running/working out again on a regular basis. They want you to be fit as a fiddle and in good condition *before* you arrive at the conservatory. And I want to be too. I also want to have a good number of plays and school books and the two suggested books read before I go. I need to make myself a schedule and follow it. It needs to be done.
Let the juggling begin.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I Hurt
I hurt today. I'm not sure why. It's probably stress. Which reminds me, I need to take my shot.
I've been feeling better/more hopeful about things lately. I'm not sure what the change is. I think some of it is that I have things to look forward to (PCPA). Even if it doesn't work out, it's enough to keep me going for right now.
I also have a job. So having the extra income will help, especially since I have bills to pay.
But I have realized I need things to look forward to. If I just have everyday life, I become depressed and disillusioned. This obviously means life will be harder for me in the long run, considering that even when I start working on becoming a professional actress, it'll be the same thing day in, day out. Maybe it'll be different because I'll be able to hope I get a job from whatever audition I'll be going to, but that might even be draining eventually.
I'm a big picture girl, so for me to have something new on the table means I get to dream about what could happen and the million different ways things could play out. This keeps me happy.
But I know it is not realistic to have something new on the table every day...and maybe not even every year.
I know I am not the only one like this. So what do those people do?
Do we consistently live life in a state of sadness when we don't have anything new and exciting happening in our lives? Or are there some of us out there like this who have learned to accept that life isn't always going to be new and exciting and it may be boring from time to time? And if so, how the heck did you get there????
I've been feeling better/more hopeful about things lately. I'm not sure what the change is. I think some of it is that I have things to look forward to (PCPA). Even if it doesn't work out, it's enough to keep me going for right now.
I also have a job. So having the extra income will help, especially since I have bills to pay.
But I have realized I need things to look forward to. If I just have everyday life, I become depressed and disillusioned. This obviously means life will be harder for me in the long run, considering that even when I start working on becoming a professional actress, it'll be the same thing day in, day out. Maybe it'll be different because I'll be able to hope I get a job from whatever audition I'll be going to, but that might even be draining eventually.
I'm a big picture girl, so for me to have something new on the table means I get to dream about what could happen and the million different ways things could play out. This keeps me happy.
But I know it is not realistic to have something new on the table every day...and maybe not even every year.
I know I am not the only one like this. So what do those people do?
Do we consistently live life in a state of sadness when we don't have anything new and exciting happening in our lives? Or are there some of us out there like this who have learned to accept that life isn't always going to be new and exciting and it may be boring from time to time? And if so, how the heck did you get there????
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Positoovity
So, recently, the boyfriend has told me I need to stop being so negative and start thinking about things positively. Part of me thinks this is just a ploy by him to screw me over...but there is a grain of truth to this, regardless of his reasons for wanting me to be positive. (Although, I think he meant more positive about our relationship and where it's going than my current situation...but it still applies across the board.)
Lately, I've been really anxious and over-analyzing things - mostly about our relationship and whether or not it's worth all the work and fights, etc., but I'm also just anxious and worried in general. Anxious and worried about whether or not I'll get the money to go to PCPA, anxious and worried I'll never be able to stop living out of my car without having to give up my dreams of acting. I'm sure I'm anxious and worried about things I don't even know I'm anxious and worried about!
The point is, I'm spending so much time being anxious and worried and focusing on this relationship, that I'm forgetting how to have fun. Not to say that life is all about fun - great things take work and sacrifice! - but I have to have fun sometimes and stop being anxious and worried so much.
Why?
Because it's draining!
I've gotten into this loop where I feel if I'm not worried and anxious and constantly thinking about things, I may get hurt or things won't work out or the planet will fall apart or all the self control the boy says he's using will just go away.
Maybe I haven't restored my faith in humanity yet. It's a process. A very slow one for me.
I wish I could just get over it and move on, but I've always been a sensitive person. And someday someone will appreciate that and love me exactly for that.
I wonder what happened to the person I was when I was in high school. I got hurt, but I was always able to bounce back with hope and positivity about the future. It was so much easier to live in the moment and not worry about what tomorrow would bring. I was happy, for the most part. At this point, high school was so long ago that I'm not sure how much of that was a mask for what was really going on (i.e.: abusive parents whose love was conditional for the most part), but I feel like I've swung completely the other way. From super peppy, happy, sweet, everything's going to be ok! girl to super depressed, morose, negative Nancy.
Oy!
I need to find some balance.
Lately, I've been really anxious and over-analyzing things - mostly about our relationship and whether or not it's worth all the work and fights, etc., but I'm also just anxious and worried in general. Anxious and worried about whether or not I'll get the money to go to PCPA, anxious and worried I'll never be able to stop living out of my car without having to give up my dreams of acting. I'm sure I'm anxious and worried about things I don't even know I'm anxious and worried about!
The point is, I'm spending so much time being anxious and worried and focusing on this relationship, that I'm forgetting how to have fun. Not to say that life is all about fun - great things take work and sacrifice! - but I have to have fun sometimes and stop being anxious and worried so much.
Why?
Because it's draining!
I've gotten into this loop where I feel if I'm not worried and anxious and constantly thinking about things, I may get hurt or things won't work out or the planet will fall apart or all the self control the boy says he's using will just go away.
Maybe I haven't restored my faith in humanity yet. It's a process. A very slow one for me.
I wish I could just get over it and move on, but I've always been a sensitive person. And someday someone will appreciate that and love me exactly for that.
I wonder what happened to the person I was when I was in high school. I got hurt, but I was always able to bounce back with hope and positivity about the future. It was so much easier to live in the moment and not worry about what tomorrow would bring. I was happy, for the most part. At this point, high school was so long ago that I'm not sure how much of that was a mask for what was really going on (i.e.: abusive parents whose love was conditional for the most part), but I feel like I've swung completely the other way. From super peppy, happy, sweet, everything's going to be ok! girl to super depressed, morose, negative Nancy.
Oy!
I need to find some balance.
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